Snippets===========

If you gain a stalker directly appearing without warning or indirectly through family members, call the authorities. Certain disorders choose to hide agendas to control other people’s perceptions; they do not see boundaries even after removing them for the sake of ‘your’ mental health.

Protect someone’s mental and physical health sooner rather than later if you see this happening to someone. Some people may not be aware of the effect of various forms of triangulation on the mind, brain, body, blood pressure, diet, and sleep, as well as the impact on personal networks and public perception. Highly deceptive, emotionally abusive, covert or overt malignant, detached Cluster B types think very differently about control over others via triangulation.

It’s important to know why they have deep-seated issues linked to control issues, dislike for other people’s boundaries and a need to own other people’s perceptions in biased, toxic, harmful ways behind closed doors or outside a facade with fear of exposure. Victims who don’t comply with suppression, chosen targets for projecting shame onto truth seekers and whistle-blowers, for example, are all seen as unwanted triggers that could expose what a deceptive person doesn’t want to be known about their actions, statements or behaviour. Be mindful of paranoia, it can be linked to a much bigger list of deceptive actions, a smear will not only expose a reaction to something, give away the actions of the emotional abuser, but also offer a level of fear linking a much larger list. They cannot run from their own memories, they will trigger a need not to disclose and avoid accountability in a certain way… triangulation.

Psychology Today - Dealing with the Narcissist's Smear Campaign

Psychology Today - Smear Campaigns and How to Overcome Them

“A smear campaign is a planned effort to discredit a person or group and tarnish their reputation.”

“Smear campaigns are a form of emotional abuse, and they take a tremendous psychological toll on the victim.”

“A smear campaign is basically a vendetta or act of retaliation. They are a tool of those who can be characterised as vengeful and vindictive, controlling and obsessive. Such individuals are also insecure and emotionally immature. Smear campaigns involve manipulation, and they are often a behaviour of malignant narcissists and those with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and antisocial personality disorder.”

What does a smear campaign look like?

“Individuals who run smear campaigns feel wronged and seek to punish those they see as being at fault. They are abusers who paint the victim as the abuser, because they see themselves as the victim.”

PsychCentral - 25 Characteristics of Narcissistic Parents and Dysfunctional Families ***

“The characteristics and behaviours listed below are not only observed in toxic families but can be seen outside of it, as general narcissistic and otherwise dark personality traits.”

“1. Immaturity - A dysfunctional parent tends to be very immature. They may throw temper tantrums, act overly hurt, demand attention at all times and at any cost, or expect for everybody to treat them like a king or queen.

2. Parental selfishness - In a healthy family, the parent is there in order to meet their childs needs. Its the opposite in a dysfunctional family: the child exists to meet the parents and other peoples needs.

3. Aggression/abus - Whether its physical, verbal, emotional, psychological, active, passive, or vicarious aggression, abuse is prevalent in any highly dysfunctional or narcissistic relationship.

4. Fake apologies - Highly narcissistic people don't usually apologise for anything. But if they do, then its as fake as they are. Sorry that you feel upset, Sorry, but and so on.

5. Playing the victim - A highly narcissistic parent is known for playing the victim and twisting the story to meet their narrative. (You can read a separate article of mine exactly on that, titled How Narcissists Play the Victim and Twist the Story.)

6. Triangulation - In psychology, the term triangulation refers to a manipulation tactic where one person doesnt communicate directly with another and instead uses a third person. A narcissistic parent likes to control communication between people because it makes them feel important and in control.

7. Untrustworthiness - Narcissistic people operate on lies. This, by itself, makes them fundamentally untrustworthy. On top of that, they fail to meet their responsibilities and always blame someone or something else for it.

8. Empty promises - A part of the narcissistic web of lies is making promises that they don’t usually intend on keeping. Highly narcissistic individuals tend to tell others what they want to hear in order to get what they want. Exaggerating what they will do for you in exchange and simply lying is what they do here.

9. Guilt-tripping - Narcissistic and other kinds of dysfunctional parents often use guilt-tripping to manipulate the child into obedience. If something happens or the child does something that they dont like, the dysfunctional parent attributes false responsibility or amplifies whats not actually very important, and in doing so, makes the child feel overly guilty.

11. Insecurity - Narcissists are incredibly insecure and fragile. They manage their shaky sense of self-esteem by trying to get others to tell them how great they are, or by putting others down to feel better about themselves. In a family, since the child has the least amount of power, they are the easiest to manipulate with these kinds of games.

12. Shaming - A close companion to guilt-tripping is toxic shaming. Whlie experiencing this, the child internalizes the message that they are fundamentally flawed, defective, and a morally bad person. This is extremely harmful and will remain a source of numerous shame-related personal and social problems later in life.

13. Authoritarian structure - This is basically a pyramid of tyranny where those on top dominate those below them, all the way down to the most suppressed.”

============== Adult Triangulation ==============

“It can be like going to the movies for some, studying cybersecurity, watching a malicious actor with social engineering and a biased influence. Masking an agenda with a false self-construct on overdrive.” The not-so-obvious at the first giveaway is that the agenda is driven by something and operates in a particular way on purpose, with some off-limits if you have nothing to hide and guidance. Do not expect everyone to be wise enough to see it straight away. The malicious actor is determined for a reasons that their victim or victim know all to well. A person who good at damaging to cover up is… and why do they use the professional victim card to influence, which is the opposite to when… and why are you walking?

Warning=======

If it is a 'malignant' covert narcissist or a person with high levels of psychopathy (ASPD) considered as Factor 1, they will go beyond the everyday types of abusive narcissism. They will convince others to action abuse with the professional victim card to the point of no return or get two parties to fight while they step back. Contact the authorities; their actions could be hiding far more than others will have discovered. Psychopathy will go a step further to maintain control to hide the second narrative at any cost. The detachment is known by them, not by others; they hide in plain sight, always applying influence to have drama and deflection, a certain kind of thing they are above others.

Imagine a child looking down at dolls and a doll house; the ego position is the child looking down at what is in their hands. If the doll turns to look up and says ‘no’. The ego may try to put the doll in the house with conformity applied to keep the assumed game going. People are seen as objects with less connection than many will first assume. See below for a full description.

Warning=======

Malignant Narcissist: Traits, Signs, Causes, & How to Deal With One

Common traits of a malignant narcissist include:

Being extremely arrogant and self-centred

Disregarding the feelings and needs of other people (the drain will come from simply interacting when the charm and distraction cant be maintained)

Manipulating, using, or exploiting others for personal gain or pleasure (people are objects, opportunities, do not trust any statement, a parasite will live off and use)

Having an extreme need for power (assuming they are better than everyone is a detached compensating behaviour to mask something; feeling normal is too painful)

Acts of revenge against those who criticise them (the ego has a shell around it, hence why some will walk around them on eggshells; the internal is on the external as well)

1. They Use, Abuse, & Discard People (marriages will have a draining bias through deceptive detached tactics and triangulation to cover up when leaving if survived.)

3. Everything Is Personal for Them (no feedback; the fragile ego requires conformity or pressure is added)

5. They Take Pleasure From the Suffering of Others (stimulated by chips, pokes, slights, destabilisation, people going along with victim cards, creating drama)

8. They Don’t Have a Conscience (hidden biases mean corners are cut in themselves, something is missing, not something better)

10. No One Will See Their Insecurities (coercive control is born from hidden, deeply beaded issues, toxic, unhealthy comparison, a need to lower people)

Warning=======

Psychology Today - How to Tell You're Dealing With a Malignant Narcissist

A person with malignant narcissism has the potential to destroy families, communities, nations, and work environments. This condition reflects a hybrid or blending of narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders.

Malignant narcissism is a combination of narcissistic and antisocial personality.

Malignant narcissists will lash out or humiliate others for infractions of even the most frivolous nature.

The Brain, Pathological Narcissism, and Empathy

Research indicates that individuals diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder have some of the neurobiological impairments of psychopathy. This makes sense, given that narcissistic personality disorder is suspected to fall along a spectrum that includes psychopathy.

For example, some with pathological narcissism are shy and avoidant (vulnerable), while others are primarily outgoing and overtly boastful (grandiose).

Why is the behaviour of malignant narcissism often considered dangerous?

Individuals with this profile can form connections with others. However, they process information in ways that can hurt not only society in general, but also the people who love or depend on them. Family, co-workers, employees, and others in their lives often have to walk on eggshells to appease a fragile ego and minimise the occurrence of their unstable, impulsive, or aggressive behaviours. (D.A.R.V.O.)

Warning=======

Psychopathy - As the number rises…

If the smear campaign is created by someone high in psychopathy, a point system up to 40, their detached actions will be seen in the smear going beyond the narcissist. Pay attention and write down all the manipulators influencing instructions. A full section on the behavioural patterns is below.

The public image needs to be kept clean. No truth and fact in the facade, no accountability, no shame; it is the fantasy mirror reflection of the fragile narcissistic self. If something is less than that, more psychopathic, then call the authorities if they appear without warning to blindside.

Without guidance, they can be stalking at places they should not be. People high in psychopathy hide very well; not invisible, they can swap sides, use others to be third-party abusers with the professional victim card, and then make themselves look better than the hired third-party abuses to draw attention back to them. It is all a game to get control back of their narrative. By you leaving, that is a big problem. the love booming will be different, not showering with gifts, the opposite. Every action, every statement, and every boundary crossed is all about a hidden agenda yet to be fully understood by others, your self knows the behaviour it will extend.

MindBodyGreen - 7 Signs Of A Psychopath: Traits & Characteristics

1. They're charming—superficially.

A common psychopath characteristic is charm. And don't assume that charm goes hand-in-hand with confidence or arrogance. A psychopath's charm is specifically suited to their target. Sure, some people respond well to flattery and gifts—more obvious manifestations of "charm." But others might have a softer spot for the sympathetic, shy routine. Psychopaths are experts at making their chosen target feel "special."

Whichever persona they choose, one thing is certain: It's not authentic. Psychopaths are shape-shifting chameleons who constantly rearrange their personalities depending on your individual needs.

2. They try to manufacture negative reactions.

Another sign of a psychopath is the propensity to create chaos. Psychopaths intentionally cause chaos, then sit back, play innocent, and blame you for reacting. They will provoke you, and then when you (understandably) react, they'll patronisingly inform you that they're "not having this discussion with you again." Eventually, you'll start to feel like a hypersensitive nut case.

3. You catch them in lies—repeatedly, and with no clear motive.

Lying is a common psychopath characteristic. Psychopaths lie constantly, even when the truth would be a better story—even when there's absolutely no reason to lie. They are so used to shifting personas and stories that lying becomes the default mode for them. If you ever question these lies (even if you have proof), they will promptly turn it back around on you for being paranoid and overanalysing everything. Whether someone who does this is a psychopath or simply a pathological liar, they are someone you'll be better off keeping at arm's length.

6. They turn people against each other.

When a psychopath enters the picture, you'll find yourself disliking people you've never even met. Psychopaths are constantly whispering poison and gossip into everyone's ears, making each person feel jealous and suspicious of the others. But they do so under the guise of innocence, using sad stories and pseudo-concern to warp your perception.

Psychopaths want people distracted and in constant competition for their attention, so they seem in high demand at all times. If you find yourself disliking people you would previously have had no reason to form an opinion about (negative or otherwise), look more closely at the source of that emotion. It might be a sign of a psychopath in your orbit.

7. They trigger your cognitive dissonance.

This one involves some introspection. When a psychopath enters your life, you'll notice an intense and ever-increasing sense of dread and self-doubt. Your brain will struggle to reconcile the "perfect" person from the beginning with the inappropriate behaviour you're starting to see more regularly. That's because that perfect person never actually existed. It was a persona, created just for you. This is the hardest thing for our minds and hearts to understand.

Additionally, with a psychopath, you're always the bad one. Even though they lie, cheat, manipulate, steal, and con—you're the one with the problem. Psychopaths have this innate ability to make you feel like there's something wrong with you for recognising that there's something off about them.

If you're having a lot of confusing thoughts and emotions like this, you may be dealing with a psychopath.

Once you know the signs of a psychopath, you can begin to figure out how to remove them from your life. This might not be an easy task, especially if you're dating a psychopath. But awareness is the first step of leaving your abusive relationship.

Warning=======

Authorea - The vulnerability of shame for the narcissistic self: a systematic review

Abstract

Narcissism is a complex dimension related to the self and characterised by grandiosity and/or vulnerability. Grandiosity is related to explicit dominance, self-importance and entitlement, while vulnerability is characterised by the feelings of incompetence, inadequacy and negative affect. According to psychodynamic scholars, shame can be considered as the core narcissistic affect, however, different dynamics might characterise the experience of shame in grandiose and vulnerable narcissism.

Knowing psychopathy and narcissism are key as they have different internal processes while there is a crossover.

============ The Process of Triangulation =============

Bay Area Centre - How to Recognise and Respond to Narcissistic Baiting Tactics

Narcissistic baiting is a manipulative tactic used to provoke emotional reactions, redirecting attention from the narcissist’s own shortcomings.

Common forms of narcissistic baiting include fear induction, guilt-tripping, false accusations, and silent treatment, all aimed at controlling the victim’s emotions.

Narcissistic baiting is a tactic used by narcissists to provoke emotional reactions from others. It’s a deliberate strategy designed to elicit negative emotional responses, such as anger, frustration, or sadness, to satisfy their need for attention and validation.

False Accusations

False accusations are a common tactic used by narcissists to destabilize their victims. Making unfounded claims, narcissists provoke defensive reactions, causing emotional chaos and confusion.

Clear Vision Psychology - Understanding Narcissistic Baiting Techniques: How to Protect Yourself from Manipulation

2. Projection: Accusing You of Their Own Flaws

Narcissists often engage in projection, where they accuse you of the very behaviours or feelings they themselves are guilty of. For instance, a narcissist might accuse you of being selfish or dishonest when, in reality, those traits are theirs.

How to Recognise It: Trust your gut feelings and cognitive assessments. If something feels off, it probably is. Separate what belongs to the narcissist from what is genuinely yours.

SimplyPsychology - How Does a Narcissist React When They Can’t Control You?

Narcissists need not only to be in control – they feel entitled to dominate others and every situation. Lacking control threatens their sense of self and their grandiose façade, and their reaction to a perceived loss of control will be extreme.

Not being in control may elicit feelings of shame and embarrassment, which are converted into anger or narcissistic rage. Thus, the outcome of losing control is narcissistic rage in its various forms.

Smear Campaign

A smear campaign is a calculated attack on your reputation, image, self-esteem, and sense of reality. The narcissist spreads rumours and lies and spills your secrets to make you look bad and get other people on their side.

Ineffable living = Narcissist Baiting – What it is, Why it Happens, and How to Stop it

Why Do Narcissists Bait You?

As a general rule, there are three reasons that a narcissist would bait you into engaging in a negative interaction with them.

They want to portray you in a negative light.

They want more narcissistic supply

They want to invalidate you

Hopeful Panda - 7 Types of Narcissistic Baiting and How to Deal with It

What is Narcissistic Baiting?

As a definition, bait means to lure, hook, trap, or entice someone or something. When associated with people, bait is defined as “to deliberately annoy or taunt (someone)”.

In the psychological sense, baiting occurs when someone intentionally acts in a way to elicit, trigger, or provoke an emotional response from whoever they’re interacting with. In this case, the narcissistic parent attempts to “bait” their child.

Kamini Wood - What is Narcissistic Baiting & How Do You Deal with It?

Commonego - 6 Types Of Baiting You'll Get From A Narcissist

1. Claiming Insider Information

This one will probably only work if you're still caught in the narcissist's web and flailing. You may receive a text or a phone call about something that piques your interest. The narcissist knows that it will bring up questions for you that need to be answered, usually directly related to your anxieties or desires. For example, the narcissist may have dirt on your arch-nemesis, or they may want you to believe they do.

2. Guilt-Tripping

Here, we start to get more advanced. For guilt-tripping to work, you must care about the narcissist or those who may think you're heartless if you don't. When the narcissist hasn't heard from you in a while, they begin to blame you.

6. Triggering Emotional Response

Only after you've been close to a narcissist or if you were raised by one can you experience an emotional response. Narcissists accomplish this by bringing up sensitive topics and making you feel you need to defend yourself.

SherryGaba - Baiting by a Narcissist: Recognising and Responding to Manipulative Tactics

Identifying baiting tactics is crucial in protecting oneself from narcissistic manipulation. Some common signs of baiting include:

Instigating arguments: Narcissists may intentionally provoke arguments or conflicts, even over trivial matters, to create chaos and assert control.

Criticism and belittlement: They may constantly criticise and belittle their victims, aiming to provoke defensiveness and emotional reactions.

Gaslighting: Narcissists may manipulate reality, distort facts, or deny their actions to make their victims doubt their own perceptions and sanity.

Pushing boundaries: They may test limits and boundaries, deliberately crossing them to provoke emotional responses and assert dominance.

Responding to Baiting -

When dealing with baiting by a narcissist, it is crucial to prioritise your well-being and implement effective strategies:

Recognise the pattern: Become aware of the narcissist’s baiting tactics and their intention to manipulate. This awareness can help you maintain emotional distance and not fall into their traps.

Set clear boundaries: Establish and communicate your boundaries firmly. Let the narcissist know what behaviour is unacceptable to you and stick to your limits.

=======================

Bay Area CBT Centre - Understanding Triangulation: Effects and Strategies to Cope

Key Takeaways

Triangulation involves manipulating or using threats of exclusion to control relationships, creating tension and distrust among the involved parties, and can lead to long-term emotional distress.

Common settings for triangulation include romantic relationships, family dynamics, workplace environments, and friend groups, where it manifests through favouritism, jealousy, rumours, and indirect communication.

Triangulation is a tactic where one individual uses manipulation or threats of exclusion to secure their goals or enhance their security within a relationship. This behaviour can create tension and distrust among all parties involved. The purpose is to pit people against each other to better cement their own position or relationships. This strategy can create dysfunctional patterns and cycles within relationships, leading to long-term emotional distress and confusion for those involved. Some key points to remember about triangulation are:

It involves manipulation or threats of exclusion

It creates tension and distrust among all parties involved

The purpose is to pit people against each other

Those who practice triangulation typically utilise indirect communication, often speaking behind others’ backs primarily via the manipulator. They use manipulative tactics to control situations and fuel their need for attention and drama. Insecurity and avoiding direct confrontation are common traits among those who use triangulation. Effective coping involves maintaining self-control and not reacting impulsively.

Triangulation refers to a manipulation tactic where one person brings a third party into a relationship to maintain control. It is used to divide and conquer by manipulating relationships, ensuring that the manipulator remains at the center of attention and power.

Triangulation in families can manifest in different ways, such as:

The golden child-scapegoat dynamic, where one child is idealised and another is devalued. A parent might designate one child as the favourite and the other as the scapegoat, creating a divide between siblings.

Triangulation can also have several negative effects, including:

Impacting the target’s self-esteem

Making them doubt their relationships with friends and family

Potentially causing self-isolation and vulnerability to abuse

Additionally, the third member in triangulation can feel pressured or manipulated, creating stress, confusion, and anxiety for those involved.

Recognising Signs of Triangulation

To recognise triangulation, one must identify instances where a manipulator controls communication. Triangulation often involves indirect communication, usually behind someone’s back. A key sign of triangulation is when you are asked to take sides on a specific issue. Feeling pressured to choose who’s right during a conflict is a common indicator of triangulation.

In relationships involving triangulation manipulation, distinct roles emerge:

The Victim, who is being emotionally triangulated, manipulated, gaslit, and abused

The Persecutor the person who is manipulating, controlling the narrative, and pulling the strings

The Rescuer, who often confuses the Persecutor with the Victim and enables the Persecutor’s abuse

In triangulation manipulation, it is often very difficult for outsiders to discern who is the Victim and who is the Persecutor. The roles often get confused, and the Victim often ends up looking like the Perpetrator. Comprehending these roles can facilitate the identification, recognition, and breaking free from manipulation tactics in relationships.

The Victim -

The Victim in triangulation often referred to as the triangulated individual, typically exhibits the following behaviors:

Appearing unhinged, angry, confused, dysregulated, panicked, and impulsive *** (Baiting - the abuser hasn’t stopped manipulating; they see a target only, a need to project.)

Experiencing emotional manipulation and gaslighting

Usually has a self-sacrifice or subjugation schema

Being confused and potentially trauma-bonded to the Persecutor

Struggling to discern whether they are being emotionally manipulated, often unaware or just becoming aware of it

Struggling to gain genuine support due to misrepresentation

Feeling helpless and wronged

Being covertly baited and provoked by the Persecutor into acting like the Perpetrator, thereby confirming the Persecutor’s narrative

May be engaging in reactive abuse

The Persecutor -

The Persecutor in triangulation can be either overt or covert. In triangulation manipulation, the Persecutor often looks like the Victim to the outside world. They:

Control the narrative and manipulate others

Usually has an Entitlement/Grandiosity schema or a Mistrust/Abuse Schema

Use criticism, gaslighting, or aggression to establish dominance

Engage in covert baiting and provoking of the Victim

Manipulate the Rescuer into believing they are the Victim

Often exhibit traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), viewing criticisms and disagreements as personal attacks due to their fragile sense of self

The Rescuer -

The Rescuer in a triangulation scenario tends to:

Enable the dysfunctional behaviour of the Persecutor

Usually has a Self-Sacrifice Schema and/or a Dependence Schema.

Displays co-dependent tendencies

Mistake the Persecutor for the Victim, perpetuating the abuse

Constantly try to ‘save’ or ‘fix’ what they perceive as the Victim

Perpetuate unhealthy dynamics

Struggle with their own need to be needed

Not fully understanding the dynamics of the manipulation, inadvertently enabling the abuse in some way

Understanding these dynamics, especially how the Victim can be misrepresented as the Persecutor to the outside world, is crucial for resolving triangulation and recognising the true nature of the manipulative behaviour.

Coping with triangulation effectively involves:

Maintaining self-control

Establishing clear boundaries

Seeking assistance from trusted friends, family, or professionals

Clarifying information before acting on it

Addressing rumours calmly

Engaging in assertiveness training, with NVC communication, to stand up for oneself without being aggressive

Taking a step back to objectively evaluate the situation and maintaining a calm demeanour can prevent escalating conflicts further.

============ The Process of Triangulation =============

Some references are repeated to validate the behaviour patterns and remove the bias, people can find they are not alone when seeing what is classed as ‘doubling down.’

Psychology Today - Spotting and Dealing with a Smear Campaign by a Narcissist

A narcissist may set out to tarnish your character. Tips, such as documenting interactions and disengaging, can halt the attacks.

What is a narcissist smear campaign?

A narcissist smear campaign is when a person with narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) uses manipulative tactics to attack someone’s character. They often do this by spreading false or exaggerated information to: mutual friends or acquaintances, family, and colleagues.

Document: If necessary, keep records of all your interactions with the narcissist to help refute false claims. You may want to communicate only by email, text, or with a third party present.

Psychology Today - 5 Steps to Surviving a Narcissist's Smear Campaign

When ending a relationship with someone who has a demonstrated need for revenge, be prepared for them to turn on you.

Due to the nonphysical nature of smear campaigns, most protection orders cannot offer much protection.

Wiki How - How to Spot and Survive a Narcissist’s Smear Campaign

A smear campaign is when a narcissist persistently spreads lies or rumours about another person to damage their reputation.

A narcissist repeatedly speaking poorly of you, bullying you online, or turning friends against you are signs of a smear campaign.

Avoid discussing any lies or rumours a narcissist spreads about you. Keep acting calm and kind so people see who you really are rather than believing the narcissist.

Understanding Abusive Relationships: Signs, Effects, & How to Get Help

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Choosing Therapy - Cycle of Abuse: What It Is & How to Heal

Emotional Abuse. 1. Tension-Building 2. Incident(s) of Abuse 3. Reconciliation 4. Calm

Emotional abuse is mental abuse aimed at hurting someone to break them down to gain power and control over them. Examples include:

Intimidation

Gaslighting

Mimicking and ridiculing

Minimising behaviors

Harassment

Coercion/force

Yelling profanities or yelling as an initial response

VeryWellMind - The Four Stages of the Cycle of Abuse

Walker identified four stages that often cycle repeatedly until broken:

• The tension-building phase: Tension rises, communication breaks down, and the victim begins to feel fearful and anxious about what might happen next.

• The abusive incident: Verbal, emotional, or physical abuse takes place, often involving anger, blaming, or intimidation.

• Reconciliation: After the abuse, the abuser may apologize, make excuses, or deny the severity of the incident, often blaming their victim.

• Calm: A brief period of peace occurs, where the abuse stops and the abuser may behave affectionately or kindly, giving their victim a sense of hope that things will improve.

  Common behaviors during this phase include:4

  • Silent treatment: The abuser ignores or refuses to talk to the victim, leaving them feeling abandoned or shut out.

  • Emotional outbursts: The abuser shows anger or frustration in unexpected ways, often reacting strongly to minor issues.

  • Irritability: The abuser gets frustrated or upset over small, insignificant things.

  • Blaming: The abuser accuses the victim of causing problems or stress in the relationship.

  • Jealousy: The abuser questions or criticizes the victim’s interactions with others.

Choosing Therapy - Understanding Abusive Relationships: Signs, Effects, & How to Get Help

Verbal abuse, such as insults, belittling, name-calling

Gaslighting (manipulating the victim to doubt their own sanity)

Blaming the victim for the abuser’s actions

Accusing the victim of perceived slights

Controlling behaviours, such as those exhibited by a controlling husband or wife

Publicly shaming or humiliating the victim

Possessiveness and jealousy

Financial control and restricting access to money

Confused - Hopeless - Guilty - Afraid - Ashamed - Moody - Anxiety - Depression - PTSD

Someone may also develop physical issues, like:

• Tight muscles

• Racing heart

• Body aches and pains

• Chronic psychosomatic pain or physical pain

• Sleep issues

• Heart disease

• Headaches and migraines

=======================

Look for direct stalking via appearing without warning at places where you go, friends, family, children’s schools, going into other people’s networks to damage at any expense. Indirect stalking through work colleagues or family members they influence, the deep seating needs to show up in the secondary evidence to cover up emotional abuse.

An abusive empathy deficit will continue to abuse with control issues due to a lack of guidance and moral core than to put them under the spotlight. Using a third party is a controlling mind game that exposes the deceptive person’s agenda. Is it psychopathy or narcissistic personality disorder creating coercive control over others?

Timing is linked to deceptive triangulation actions and the use of others to influence abusers. Spot the actions quickly while knowing the deceptive nature better, which leads to fear of exposure and a need to control the narrative… at any expense. Abusers tell on themselves in two chapters, using what they know, using what they assume no one can see is their own actions re-positioned onto a target or victims. The smear is the confession.

Harming truth and fact is linked to a couple of personality disorders; you can find information after the triangulation references. All links are listed for quotes. Sometimes, certain situations require insight on ‘not what to do’ as well as ‘what to do’. Knowing if you are dealing with high levels of Narcissism, Psychopathy, and Machiavellianism and seeing the mind game, D.A.R.V.O. is key to knowing why abuse can’t process shame and accountability and see abuse as a way to gain control over others.

What is key to note, something is happening that shouldn’t be happening; choices and emotions are not what others would do, and unhealthy comparison and failure to accept a lack of control over others can mean your empathy and tolerance have been used against you. The need to have others go along with a detached abusive personality disorder means it is up to everyone else to be educated; as the abuser/enablers are stuck in terms of self-awareness, a feedback loop prevents thinking behind face value, only what they are capable of feeling and understanding with a fit the narrative perception.

What is right and wrong, emotional intelligence, boundaries, sadistic stimulation, control issues, and how other people feel about being used, targeted, and abused in various ways is not processed in the way an empathetic, balanced, considerate person thinks. Science suggests the mind is also physically different. Development is different.

Choosing Therapy - DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender

People or groups that are the most likely to utilize DARVO are:1,2,3

• Narcissistic abusers

• Abusive bosses

• Abusive parents, including in-laws

• Gaslighters

• Effects of DARVO

  DARVO takes a terrible, uncomfortable, or traumatizing event and continues the cycle of abuse. Now, the person has to deal with the original event and the damaging effects of DARVO on their mental and physical health.

• According to Dr. Harsey, “The intent of DARVO is to silence victims, either through confusion, invalidation, or even intimidation. By denying that any mistreatment occurred (or downplaying the harm it caused), attacking victims’ credibility, and then playing the victim, perpetrators attempt to instil doubt among their victims – did the abuse really happen in the way that I remember it? Am I just overreacting? Is it actually my fault? Data indicates that people exposed to DARVO during confrontations with perpetrators report feeling greater self-blame for the wrongdoings they experience. Ultimately, DARVO tries to distort the way victims think about themselves and the abuse they experience.”

  One of the most devastating effects of DARVO is the person doubting their own memory. They may begin to experience confusion surrounding the events and call their recall into question.4 With doubt comes shame, embarrassment, and guilt. They may withdraw from their original claims, or authorities may encourage them to rethink action.

  One study found that when people confronted their toxic abusers, they were confronted with:4

  • The perpetrator denying the events (44%)

  • The perpetrator saying the whole situation is a misunderstanding (22%)

  • The perpetrator telling them they’re crazy (44%)

  • 1. Record the Story

    One of the best things you can do is record and document your experience. Though you may be reeling from the intense emotion of the situation, your memory will be fresh and unbiased by feedback from others. Track what happened, where it happened, and when it happened. This information will serve as a guide for the future. Refer back to this document often to reaffirm your perspective.

KeyStone Law - Understanding DARVO: what is abusive, gaslighting and coercive behaviour in a relationship?

DARVO, which was named by American psychologist Jennifer Freyd PhD, involves a set of specific behaviours:

• first, the perpetrator vehemently denies that any wrongdoing has occurred

• next, they go on the offensive, attacking the victim and anyone seeking to call them to account, often making false accusations

• finally, they reverse the roles, declaring themself the victim and the actual victim to be the aggressor, deftly flipping the narrative so that the abused becomes the villain.

VeryWellMind - How Narcissists Use DARVO to Avoid Accountability

Abusers who use DARVO methods on their victims often achieve the intended results. Studies show that when people saw one person using DARVO tactics on another, the victim was viewed as “less believable,” while the perpetrator was seen as “less abusive and less responsible.”

Medical News Today - What to know about DARVO

Deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender (DARVO) is a tactic a person may use to deflect responsibility onto an individual they have abused. It is a form of manipulation a person may use to discredit a survivor’s experience.

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To help gain a new perception, read all text, see it as revising, an education update to improve your perception, to help spot the triangulation straight away. Toxic influencers have an agenda to avoid certain questions, feedback, and concerns. They want to hide something further and maintain a delusional control without realising they are exposing their deceptive nature.

Flipping the script and position - They want others to appear abusive by using others with the same mind game tricks. Hiding the second narrative and suppressing the fear of exposure. If the second narrative is deceptive, abusive, and manipulative, then others will take matters at face value of a malignant type who has been hiding for a long time; they know how to use people in a number of ways, so step back.

Certain actions are widely known in the educated domain, and all behaviours can be found all over the internet. In reality, with gaslighting, many people do not even know it is happening until it is either too late or irreversible damage has occurred. Triangulation and smear have already started; you will have here the abuser making them look good and others the issues when leaving, it is your turn.

Mental and physical health can be affected in numerous ways. When one person’s toxic nature is used to abuse via third-party abuse. People are affected in a number of ways, plus they can receive charges for becoming the abuser while the deceptive person uses more third parties than everyone knows about. This means the victim is either sent a message to accept biased conformity (how the abuser likes it, the given role), such as ‘come back to a fold’, cult, or dysfunctional system. Accept a role “this is not like you”, or they refuse to accept delusional gaslighting.

An abuser needs control to feel secure and not to consider change and awareness. Why? They see nothing wrong with their detached nature, abusive disorder, a zombie in a way. They can be stuck at age 8 up to age 13 while appearing as an adult to the untrained eye. Emotionally fearing other people’s broad awarness and growth, seeing it as a threat if they cannot change or understand something beyond the perception. If a person leaves a deceptive, controlling facade or trauma behind, the controlling person will double down and use a smear campaign while doing those exact actions they are claiming.

Paranoia from a conflict of no guilt, but shame if someone pays attention to conditional deceptive behaviour. You can find out how abusers tell on themselves in a number of ways. Patterned behaviour is exciting for a number of reasons, and why some actions are just off limits for many but not some. Compensating behaviour hides the four-part abuse cycle, so if you are being triangulated, you are playing catch up just like the third-party abusers; the face value of a matter has a design that conflicts with the hidden second narrative.

Fear of exposure drives those with coercive control issues and disorders to do things that are off-limits to others. The smear campaign is the confession; who knows this? The witnesses to abuse or those who are deceptively emotionally abused for reasons not seen at first. There is always a paper trail going back to an abuser on how much they re-position their actions on others.

Adults only need to look at the abuser's development years, genetic family history, and what people might do in the schoolyard. Some never grow up to be part of the adult world, so adults have to remind themselves that they have seen the same behaviour before… the abuser’s mind might be linked right back to a certain point in time.

This is why there is so much insight into abusive cycles. The irreversible damage caused when covering up toxic abuse when someone leaves is nothing more than the same mindset trying to be manipulative in ways that balanced people would never consider; that is why many don’t see the hidden agenda at first. Assuming something under the influence means an abuser has chosen someone on purpose to be the third-party abuser who may not see beyond face value. Nothing everyone falls for triangulation; it doesn’t sit well, or they read the deceptive person and ask the right questions in the right way. Usually, the person who isn’t influenced by a deceptive person isn’t asked.

Mindgame Origins:

Using others for personal gain with a false self-construct presentation - professional victim card or covert aggression via someone else is a major red flag, it is a form of emotional abuse. It is always linked to hiding other deceptive behaviours. The need for control is extended through others while needing to hide at the same time, which might appear confusing at first, think school yard, where they may have learnt it, or the bad role modelling via deceptive parenting. Think back to where most of the emotional abuse is experienced or witnessed like a child playing up at home mostly, but maybe the neighbours don’t see it as much. Some have learned to contain their abuse to extend it or be indirect.

It is key for everyone to be educated on the short-term 'fear of exposure' or long-term detached toxic actions of using someone over time in a trauma bond, as it causes mental and physical health issues in those who are unaware of what is happening to them. Triangulation is actioned by a person not acting with transparency, stimulated by the control and influence, controlling the naive person and re-positioning what they are doing onto others or wanting others to do something for them and keep there hands clean.

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Good Therapy - 9 Narcissistic Manipulation Tactics & How to Deal

1. Gaslighting

A person with narcissistic traits typically feels that they can’t do anything wrong. When confronted about mistakes, they will be defensive, and might deny your reality or recollection of events. Phrases such as “it wasn’t that bad,” “you must be losing your mind,” and “it didn’t happen like that” are common statements employed to make you deny your truth. These are all examples of typical gaslighting behaviour.

4. Projection

When someone is unable to handle their negative feelings or acknowledge their bad behaviors, they may project them onto someone else. In these cases, the recipient of their narcissistic projection is usually accused of doing the very same things that the individual is doing themselves.3

For example, a narcissist who is projecting may believe that someone else is angry, when in reality they are the one who is angry, but are uncomfortable with this feeling. This may also be evident in romantic relationships in the form of accusing a partner of cheating, when in fact they are the ones being unfaithful.2

5. Playing the Victim

A narcissist will often play the victim after engaging in harmful or vengeful behaviors, turning any sympathy and attention onto themselves. They might do so by saying that they were the ones who were hurt or manipulated, and not the real victim. They may even take it a step further and blame the victim for the wrong-doing, such as the case with DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender) manipulation techniques. Due to their convincing nature, projection, and cognitive distortions, they can be quite convincing and often have outsiders confused as to what the truth is.

6. Smear Campaign

A narcissistic smear campaign occurs when a narcissist creates a web of lies or exaggerations in order to discredit and isolate a person. This is typically done publicly, and to anyone who will listen–the victim’s friends and family are not exempt. For instance, a person breaks up with their partner, and their ex in turn begins to spread rumors about them within close-knit social circles. Slowly, this person notices that their supports are turning away from them, and reducing contact.

The cruel end result of this is that oftentimes the victim is left with limited support, as their loved ones may believe the lies spread against them. When they try to report the abuse they are experiencing, they are treated as if they are the ones causing the problems.

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Passive Aggressive Behavior... it turns into triangulation when a number of mind games stop working, such as gaslighting and coercive control.

Bay Area CBT Centre - What Is Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Passive-aggressive behaviour is a nuanced form of communication, and its effects can swing from simply vexing to deeply harmful. Its manifestations are diverse, encompassing actions like the silent treatment, backhanded compliments, or even intentionally undermining someone’s efforts.

The Darker Side: Manipulation and Control

Beyond the mild irritations, passive-aggressive behaviour can morph into a deliberate tactic used by some to control and assert dominance over others. Alarmingly, it may be associated with severe personality disorders like narcissistic personality disorder. Individuals with such traits utilise passive-aggressive techniques as tools to mould, control, and even “train” the behaviours of those they interact with. Their driving forces often include resentment, a quest for dominance, or a deep-seated desire to shape others’ actions to fit their personal interests.

The Covert Narcissist’s Playbook

Taking a deep dive into the mindset of someone with narcissistic tendencies sheds light on extreme passive-aggressiveness. Imagine a scenario where they treat interactions like using a remote control: pressing one button induces guilt, another demands attention through the silent treatment, and yet another button results in them deliberately ignoring you to breed confusion.

The Wider Impact on Relationships

Passive-aggressive behaviour doesn’t operate in a vacuum. It impacts not only the perpetrator and the recipient but also those around them. This behaviour can create a toxic atmosphere where trust is eroded, and open communication becomes a challenge.

The Silent Toll on Mental Health

Being on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behaviour can be mentally draining. The subtle digs, the deliberate “forgetfulness,” and the constant need to decode hidden meanings can lead to heightened stress levels, anxiety, and even depression. Over time, this sustained exposure can erode one’s self-esteem and lead to feelings of helplessness.

Building Resilience Against Passive-Aggressiveness

While it’s essential to recognise and understand passive-aggressive behaviour, it’s equally crucial to build resilience against it. This doesn’t mean brushing it under the carpet but rather developing coping mechanisms to counter its effects.

In Conclusion

Passive-aggressive behaviour is a multifaceted issue that touches various areas of our lives, including those seeking therapy in San Francisco. Its range, from subtle jabs to overt manipulation, demands our attention and understanding. By recognising its patterns, setting clear boundaries, and seeking support when needed, we can chart a path toward healthier, more constructive relationships and safeguard our mental well-being. Remember, knowledge is power, and understanding passive-aggressiveness gives us the strength to navigate its challenges with confidence.

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MindBodyGreen - 8 Things A Narcissist Does At The End Of A Relationship

The who, what, why, when and how.

What personality disorder types use triangulation using emotional abuse to cover up abuse? Or maintain types smear to appear better and hide what they are doing? Re-positioning shame and deflecting people's perception away from what they are doing? Why? By owning other people's 'uneducated' perceptions, they induce control of the narrative. A detached empathy deficit will be part of the personality foundation. This is part of internal facade coercive control mind games and a tactic to keep the facade appearing as something else to the outside world.

6. Use social attacks and gossip

It is hard to keep the end of your relationship with a narcissist out of the public eye because the narcissist demands that everyone you know choose sides. As soon as possible, they will tell your friends, neighbours, church members, and club acquaintances in person and on social media their version of the story of your breakup. That is very distressing for most caretakers. During your entire relationship, the narcissist insisted on extreme privacy about your interactions together, and now they are spreading all kinds of misinformation and slander and trying to ruin your good name. Too often, caretakers continue to keep their promises not to talk about the relationship, which means the narcissist's lies stand without challenge.

Gossip is a manipulative tactic designed to make you the bad guy and to garner the narcissist as much sympathy as possible. It can also work effectively to reengage you with them and bring you under their control.

7. Stalking

Although stalking is usually not blatant or threatening by narcissists, it is not uncommon for narcissists to fortuitously be at the grocery store when you are, to suddenly appear at a community or social event you attend, or to change their running route so they go down your street every morning. Be prepared ahead of time that these unexpected meetings might occur. They're designed to keep you aware of the narcissist's presence and emotionally off-balance.

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11 Telltale Signs You're Dealing With A Toxic Person

What does it mean to be toxic?

Toxic people are people who cause harm to another, often through emotional manipulation, clinical psychologist Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy, tells mbg. Some do it knowingly, such as dark personality types (your psychopaths, narcissists, sociopaths, Machiavellians, etc.), which are often correlated with toxic traits, she adds.

11 toxic traits to look out for:

Emotional manipulation

Emotional manipulation includes a whole host of behaviours and tactics, and if you get the sense you're being emotionally manipulated, you're likely dealing with a toxic person, Neo and Spinelli say.

"They'll put you down and insult you, often in a passive-aggressive or backhanded way," Neo says. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Maybe they make jokes about something you're sensitive about to get a rise out of you, or perhaps they withhold affection to punish you for seemingly no reason. "All they want is to make you squirm—they thrive on that," Neo says.

2. Dishonesty

Any sort of dishonesty, whether it's deceit, lying, or general secrecy, is a sign of a toxic person, according to Spinelli. This one is tough, depending on how good of a liar you're dealing with, but if you catch them in a lie, especially more than once, don't take it lightly.

3. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation, but it gets its own callout because it can be hard to realize when it's happening to you. Gaslighting is essentially when someone denies your reality with phrases like "you're making things up" or "you're being dramatic" when you express your thoughts and feelings. This is toxic, Neo and Spinelli agree, and can lead you to distrust your own intuition and experiences. (If you notice it's happening to you, here's how to deal with gaslighting.)

4. Lack of accountability

Toxic people do not want to take the blame for anything, and they'll make sure they don't. Not only do they display a lack of responsibility for their actions, Spinelli says, but they'll often deflect blame onto others.

5. Lack of boundaries

According to Neo, toxic people have no concept of (or respect for) boundaries. If you set a healthy, reasonable boundary, they'll trample all over it, she says, adding they'll even make it your fault for "being too sensitive" if you get upset when your boundary is crossed.

6. Unsupportive

Does this person support your goals and dreams? Are they happy for you when something goes right in your life? Are they interested in your wants and needs? If the answer to these questions is no, Spinelli says, that's a toxic person. Even when they do make feigned attempts at support, it can often come off as "toxic positivity," which is essentially insincere optimism to avoid actually holding space for someone.

7. Energy draining

Going back to the idea of energy vampires, Neo and Spinelli agree, toxic people are an extreme drain to be around. "They are depleting and leave you feeling exhausted," Spinelli says. Neo concurs: "They create stress, depletion, and negativity to those around them."

8. Power dynamics

According to Spinelli, toxic people are likely to create a power dynamic. They don't want relationships with mutual respect and reciprocity but rather ones where they have the upper hand and can manipulate the people around them. (See: one-sided friendships.)

9. Encouraging codependency

Similar to the aforementioned power structure, toxic people will not only encourage but create a codependent dynamic, Spinelli says. If you're being gaslighted and your trust in your own self has diminished, you'll lean on this toxic person even further, Neo explains, which is exactly what they want. "They will do their ultimate best to isolate you from people in your life," she adds.

10. Inciting drama

Toxic people want to make you squirm. So, Neo says, don't be surprised when they can't seem to resist starting a fight. For example, they may know you have an early morning the next day and ask to do something late that night, just so you'll have to say no and set that boundary. "Then they'll tell you you're being difficult or demanding," Neo adds.

11. Insincere apologies

And lastly, Neo explains, the more sophisticated toxic people who know when they've done wrong (because they did it on purpose) may apologise to you. But that apology won't be sincere—"they make it all about you, and make it all your fault," she adds, with phrases like "I'm sorry you think I was wrong" or "I'm sorry if I upset you." And remember, an apology without change is manipulation in its own right. (Here's the right way to apologise, for what it's worth.)

How toxic people can negatively impact you

It goes without saying that toxic people aren't fun to be around, but the negative effect they can have on people goes deep. As Spinelli explains, these people will find ways to blame you for everything, control you, suffocate you, and invalidate you, which can lead you to abandon yourself.

Not only that, but they're energy vampires, meaning they seem to drain the very life out of you just with their presence. "They cause you a lot of distress that you may even justify because you can't understand why it's affecting you so badly," Neo notes, adding that toxic people will often make you question your sanity.

When a toxic person has a hold on you, you'll find yourself accommodating them, making poor choices, and getting caught in drama. This all leads to an overall diminishing of self-esteem and self-worth, and even anxiety and depression, says Spinelli.

How to deal with toxic people

So, what can be done about these toxic people? Neo suggests ignoring them if possible—and certainly get out if you're in a relationship with them (romantic or not). "If the toxic relationship demonstrates one-sidedness," Spinelli adds, "it's time to distance yourself or cut it off."

Of course, sometimes we can't avoid certain people, whether they be toxic family members or co-workers. In that case, it's important to know your boundaries and stick to them, Spinelli says. As Neo adds, sometimes we don't realize we are indeed allowed to set firm boundaries. If you struggle with this, she suggests planning a "script" of sorts, planning out exactly what you want to say before you have to say it.

Both Neo and Spinelli explain that when dealing with toxic people, we have to know what we're dealing with and respond as such. Neo calls it the "law of the jungle," basically saying you wouldn't go into a jungle without being properly equipped to protect yourself. So, don't be afraid to do just that.

"This doesn't mean you are not a compassionate person," Spinelli adds. "It means you are taking care of yourself and ensuring self-preservation." And as Neo notes, defending yourself is not the same as provoking another, and "you can retain your kindest, most loving self for those who deserve it."

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VeryWellMind - 13 Red Flags in Relationships

Are red flags a reason to walk away from someone?

13 Relationship Red Flags to Be Aware Of

If your partner displays any of the following red flags, it’s time to have a conversation with yourself, and them, about the future of your relationship.

Persistent Jealousy and Distrust

History of Infidelity

Controlling Nature

A partner who is controlling in any way likely has deep personal issues they must work on.

Stories of “Crazy Exes”

No Friends

They Give You All Their Time

This red flag can sometimes tie into the last one. When a partner doesn’t have other relationships, hobbies, or goals, that is a recipe for an unhealthy, unfulfilling relationship.

Lack of Emotional Intimacy

One of the best parts of being in a romantic relationship is connecting deeply and authentically with another person.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is when a person says and/or does things to make you question your own sanity. They might lie, tell you you're forgetful, distort history, accuse you of overreacting, and employ other manipulative tactics to make you seem and feel mentally ill. The goal of this type of emotional abuse is control.

Love Bombing

People with narcissistic3 or borderline personality disorders, among others, typically engage in love bombing

Breadcrumbing

Someone who is breadcrumbing is leading you on with little morsels of encouragement—just enough so you don't give up on the relationship.

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PsychCentral - Emotional Manipulation: What It Is and How to Cope

Here are other common emotional manipulation tactics and what they may sound like.

Guilt: “If you loved me, you wouldn’t do that.”

Criticism: “You never do anything right.”

Isolation: “You’re picking your friends and family over me.”

Humiliation: “I’ll take you out to dinner when you lose some weight.”

Threatening: “If you ever do that again, you’ll be sorry.”

Blaming: “Look what you made me do.”

Accusing: “I know you’re being unfaithful.”

Infidelity: “I could do better than you anytime I want.”

Emotional vulnerability vs. emotional manipulation

Expressing your emotions isn’t emotional manipulation. You’re allowed to cry, stomp your feet, or indicate how you’re feeling at a given moment.

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The Effects of Living With a Narcissistic Sibling & 5 Ways to Deal With Them

They only see you as a source of narcissistic supply: To a narcissist, others are a way to get praise or a narcissistic supply. They only care about themselves, and your role is to be their audience cheering them on.

They are the golden child, and you are the scapegoat: In a dysfunctional family system, the scapegoat holds the blame for all of the family’s problems, while the golden child–in this case, the narcissistic child–can do no wrong.

When you take a break from them, you feel better: Your guilt leads you to reconcile without hearing an apology from your sibling, and the narcissistic abuse cycle begins anew.

They are downright cruel to you and relish in your pain: This type of behaviour is called narcissistic abuse and can involve name-calling, gaslighting, DARVO, or physical abuse.

How a Narcissistic Sister or Brother Affects Your Mental Health

A narcissistic sister or brother can have profound and lasting impacts on your mental health, especially if you were raised with one. It can potentially cause you to be more conflict-averse, distrustful, and tolerant of abuse in other relationships. Research has shown that warmth between siblings is negatively impacted by high levels of narcissism, among other factors.

Overly Tolerant of Abuse Within Relationships

Sometimes, siblings will tolerate abuse in relationships that healthier people would not. Walking on eggshells around a narcissist can lead to seeing this behavior as normal. Putting up with put-downs, shaming, or other forms of verbal abuse may seem like the inevitable cost of friendship or romantic relationships.

Lack of Stability in the Family

If you are the scapegoat, you can feel like a stranger in your own family of origin. Confiding in your parents may lead to backlash, as the golden child can typically do no wrong. When everyone else makes excuses for your sibling, speaking your truth can seem daunting.

1. Assert Your Boundaries

Setting boundaries with a narcissist is important for not only you but the relationship with your sibling. Firm boundaries can preserve a relationship, while weak ones may lead to you cutting them off. Setting a boundary may look like this: When your sibling berates and humiliates you in front of others, walk away. This may be going to another room, leaving in your car for a bit, or going home.

3. Know Your Limits & When to Walk Away

Sometimes, taking a break is the healthiest thing you can do. Even if you have shared responsibilities (care for elderly parents, etc), you do not need to be all things to everyone. Your mental health matters. Sometimes, going no contact with a narcissist is the best way to protect yourself.

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NextGenPsychology - What is narcissistic Projection

"What is Narcissistic Triangulation? How to spot it and stop it? Narcissistic triangulation is a toxic and manipulative tactic used by narcissists to devalue their victims by making constant comparisons."

Reasons why Triangulation is commonly used

To create a distraction from the real issue and divert people off-topic.

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Choosing Therapy - Narcissistic Triangulation: Definition, Examples, & How to Respond

What Is Narcissistic Triangulation?

Narcissistic triangulation differs from typical triangulation in that it is done purposefully and with intention. Those with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) use a common and consistent triangulation pattern that includes three different “roles.” These roles refer to the narcissist’s persona employed during an argument to win the third party over in their favor.

How to React to Narcissistic Triangulation

Once you can recognise and understand narcissistic triangulation, the next step is to decide if and how you want to change this dynamic. Avoiding or stopping narcissistic triangulation is often complicated because narcissistic individuals will likely fight change every step of the way.

4. Respond, Don’t React

Sometimes having a private and direct conversation is not enough to make a narcissist stop trying to pull you into a relational triangle. You must not engage when reinforcing that you will not play into triangulation. In this case, meeting triangulation with silence is the loudest way to communicate this boundary.

5. Set Your Own Boundaries

You may have avoided actively participating in narcissistic triangulation, but that doesn’t mean the narcissist won’t still talk about you to those in your life. Setting healthy boundaries with someone you see regularly can be challenging, but doing so can help you better navigate the situation.

Boundaries to set with a narcissist may include:

Leaving situations where you find yourself alone with them.

Ignoring comments that are meant to bait you.

Avoid sharing personal information.

Not going into situations without trusted people present who understand and will support you.

7. Know When to Leave the Relationship

Unfortunately, narcissistic personality disorder is a lifelong diagnosis that is hard to treat. Unless they are willing to work directly on how they’re contributing to triangulation, you may have little ability to change the relational dynamic. If this relationship impacts your mental health and functioning, it may be time to consider leaving. Preparing yourself for breaking up with a narcissist and what to expect at the end of a narcissistic relationship can help you navigate this challenging situation.

Narcissistic Triangulation Between Parents & Children

A narcissistic parent will often use their children in triangulation when their partner pulls away, disengages from the relationship, or leaves them. The narcissistic parent works to buy their child’s love to make the other parent look or feel bad. In many cases, this form of narcissistic triangulation is used to try to force the other parent to revert to doing things how the narcissistic parent thinks they should be done. For instance, the partner may give in and allow the narcissist to take back control over the family unit.

Narcissistic Triangulation Between Siblings

Another common way narcissistic parents triangulate within their families is by triangulating siblings against each other. The parent will do this to feel like they have control within their family and encourage a child to seek their approval. This form of narcissistic triangulation could also happen with a narcissistic sibling pitting a parent against another sibling or vice versa.

Examples of narcissistic triangulation in families include:

A narcissistic mother focuses on her daughter’s behavioural problems and constantly compares her to the son, while the father attempts to help correct the daughter’s behavior.

A narcissistic grandmother may constantly criticize their partner by sharing how they are treated poorly to receive praise and soothing from other family members.

A narcissistic mother-in-law may put her son in a position to “choose” between her and his spouse’s “side,” talk negatively about the spouse, or ignore his boundaries.

Why Do Narcissists Triangulate?

Narcissists have fragile self-esteem and need a constant source of attention and admiration to cope, otherwise known as their narcissistic supply. Engaging people in triangulation fills this supply by increasing the narcissist’s feelings of superiority.3 Bringing in a third party to agree with them and make the other person look wrong increases their sense of “rightness.”

Narcissistic triangulation is also a way for narcissists to gain attention, especially when playing the “victim” role. In this case, a narcissist looks for a third party to reassure them, dote on them, and make up for the other person’s actions. Ultimately, these things provide the narcissist with what they desire most–attention, affection, and reassurance.

Lastly, the cornerstone of narcissistic personality disorder is a deep need for control. If a narcissist does not get what they want with their narcissistic manipulation tactics, they will change the dynamic from two people to three. Bringing in a third person and manipulating their view of the situation to mirror that of the narcissist ultimately turns the situation in the narcissist’s favour.

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Medical News Today - Understanding Narcissistic Triangulation

Narcissistic triangulation is when a person, usually with narcissistic tendencies, involves a third party in a situation or relationship to gain control.

The “triangle” refers to the third person being involved so that all three people form a figurative triangle. A person with narcissistic traits usually self-serves at the expense of others, and triangulation is a manipulation tactic to get what they may think they deserve or need.

Examples

It is important to be aware of how narcissistic triangulation may look. It usually consists of three roles:

The person who does the triangulation is usually a person with narcissistic traits who attempts to blame, criticise, and harshly judge another for their wrongdoing.

The person being threatened with this tactic (the “victim”)

The mediator or rescuer is brought into the situation to reinforce the superiority of the narcissistic person or support them, making the person experiencing narcissistic triangulation feel isolated and helpless.

Narcissistic triangulation can occur in different situations.

Narcissistic triangulation in romantic relationships

An example of narcissistic triangulation in romantic relationships may involve one person trying to gain control over their partner in a conflict. They can gain control over the narrative and garner support by talking with others about their relationship behind their partner’s back and manipulating a third person into believing they are correct.

They may also use other narcissistic manipulation techniques such as:

gaslighting, which involves making a person doubt their sanity, making them feel they cannot trust their thoughts, feelings, memories, or even actions

playing the victim

projecting their beliefs onto the situation

conducting a smear campaign

Narcissistic triangulation between parents and children

Narcissistic triangulation between parents and children may involve the parents pulling a child into their conflicts. The narcissistic parent may try to manipulate the child to be on their side or like them more.

This can include talking negatively about the other parent, giving them treats or things the other parent does not allow, or aiming to seem like the fun and involved parent.

Effects on a person

Narcissistic triangulation may affect a person in multiple ways, including:

making a person feel isolated or that no one is supporting them

lowering their self-esteem

doubting themselves and their feelings

insecurity

Why do they do it?

Those with NPD have a deep desire to control and need others to validate and boost their fragile self-worth.

Narcissistic triangulation is a manipulation tactic. Bringing a third person into a conflict or argument usually changes the dynamic, particularly if the person with narcissistic tendencies influences or manipulates them into supporting a side.

Other reasons for narcissistic triangulation include:

guiding an argument in one person’s favour, usually, the person doing the triangulation

bolstering the person’s superiority or righteousness

moving the stress onto the third person

invalidating the feelings of the person they are in conflict with

supporting their need for validation and admiration

Triangulation helps the person with NPD or narcissistic tendencies feel superior to the other person in the conflict. This is also known as having a narcissistic supply.

A person with NPD may feel they need a supply of praise, superiority, admiration, and power to feel special and avoid their deep-seated feelings of inferiority. However, a person with NPD may have these feelings or take these actions not necessarily out of malicious intent but due to the condition.

Invalidates feelings:

Narcissists often use triangulation to invalidate their victim’s feelings or perceptions. They may gaslight by denying the reality of the victim’s experiences or emotions, claiming that they are ‘over-reacting’ or imagining things.

The impact

The effects of narcissistic triangulation can be profound and long-lasting, causing significant emotional and psychological harm to those involved. Victims will likely experience:

Emotional turmoil:

Victims of narcissistic triangulation often experience intense feelings of confusion, jealousy, and insecurity. They may question their own worth and value, constantly seeking validation and approval from the narcissist and others.

Isolation:

Triangulation can isolate victims from their support networks as the narcissist seeks to control whom they interact with and how they perceive others. This isolation can further reinforce the narcissist’s power and control over their victim.

Self-doubt:

Constant exposure to triangulation can erode the victim’s self-esteem and self-confidence, leading to pervasive feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. They may become hyper-vigilant, second-guessing their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours.

Strategies for recovery

Recovering from narcissistic triangulation requires time, patience, and self-reflection. There are a number of strategies to help victims reclaim their sense of self-worth and rebuild their lives:

Educate yourself:

Understanding the dynamics of narcissistic abuse, including triangulation, is the first step towards healing. Educate yourself about narcissism, manipulation tactics, and healthy relationship dynamics.

Seek support:

Surround yourself with supportive friends, family members, or a therapist who can validate your experiences and provide emotional support as you heal.

Challenge distorted beliefs:

Narcissistic abuse often leads to distorted beliefs about oneself and others. Challenge these beliefs by examining evidence that contradicts them and replacing them with more realistic and empowering perspectives.

Focus on personal growth:

Use your experiences as an opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery. Invest in activities that promote self-improvement such as learning new skills, finding new hobbies, or setting meaningful goals for the future.

Enforce consequences:

Be prepared to enforce consequences if your boundaries are violated. This may involve limiting contact with individuals who repeatedly disrespect your boundaries.

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Counselling Directory - What is narcissistic triangulation?

One of the most insidious tactics employed by narcissists in their manipulation and control of others is triangulation. This manipulation technique is designed to create tension, competition, and insecurity among individuals, often leaving victims feeling confused, isolated and powerless. This article delves into the dynamics of narcissistic triangulation, its profound impact on those involved, and strategies for recovery.

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MindBodyGreen - 7 Signs Of A Psychopath: Traits & Characteristics

1. They're charming—superficially.

A common psychopath characteristic is charm. And don't assume that charm goes hand-in-hand with confidence or arrogance. A psychopath's charm is specifically suited to their target. Sure, some people respond well to flattery and gifts—more obvious manifestations of "charm." But others might have a softer spot for the sympathetic, shy routine. Psychopaths are experts at making their chosen target feel "special."

Whichever persona they choose, one thing is certain: It's not authentic. Psychopaths are shape-shifting chameleons who constantly rearrange their personalities depending on your individual needs.

2. They try to manufacture negative reactions.

Another sign of a psychopath is the propensity to create chaos. Psychopaths intentionally cause chaos, then sit back, play innocent, and blame you for reacting. They will provoke you, and then when you (understandably) react, they'll patronisingly inform you that they're "not having this discussion with you again." Eventually, you'll start to feel like a hypersensitive nut case.

3. You catch them in lies—repeatedly, and with no clear motive.

Lying is a common psychopath characteristic. Psychopaths lie constantly, even when the truth would be a better story—even when there's absolutely no reason to lie. They are so used to shifting personas and stories that lying becomes the default mode for them. If you ever question these lies (even if you have proof), they will promptly turn it back around on you for being paranoid and overanalysing everything. Whether someone who does this is a psychopath or simply a pathological liar, they are someone you'll be better off keeping at arm's length.

4. They seem incapable of guilt or shame.

Normal people feel intense remorse when they do things that psychopaths do (lie, cheat, steal, and manipulate). But psychopaths don't feel any remorse for their behaviour. This is also one of the signs of a narcissist, but a glaring sign of a psychopath? They actually seem to enjoy their terrible actions.

Psychopaths know that their behaviour hurts others. That's why they do it. The only time a psychopath will ever apologise to you is to save face or if they still need something from you. It's never actually about remorse. Anyone who enjoys inflicting pain on others or never seems to feel any genuine remorse for hurting others is someone to cut ties with, immediately. That's an emotional black hole.

5. They change allegiances without a second thought, no matter how intense the betrayal.

Another common trait of a psychopath is lack of loyalty. Psychopaths devalue and replace others at the drop of a hat. Although you probably experienced an instant connection of trust and excitement with them, you'll come to realise they can forge that bond with anyone. After once declaring you better than all the "crazy" people in their life, they'll go running back to those very same people and declare you crazy. Psychopaths have no loyalty, no attachment, and no love. They leave behind a trail of destruction, and they blame their victims for it every time.

6. They turn people against each other.

When a psychopath enters the picture, you'll find yourself disliking people you've never even met. Psychopaths are constantly whispering poison and gossip into everyone's ears, making each person feel jealous and suspicious of the others. But they do so under the guise of innocence, using sad stories and pseudo-concern to warp your perception.

Psychopaths want people distracted and in constant competition for their attention, so they seem in high demand at all times. If you find yourself disliking people you would previously have had no reason to form an opinion about (negative or otherwise), look more closely at the source of that emotion. It might be a sign of a psychopath in your orbit.

7. They trigger your cognitive dissonance.

This one involves some introspection. When a psychopath enters your life, you'll notice an intense and ever-increasing sense of dread and self-doubt. Your brain will struggle to reconcile the "perfect" person from the beginning with the inappropriate behaviour you're starting to see more regularly. That's because that perfect person never actually existed. It was a persona, created just for you. This is the hardest thing for our minds and hearts to understand.

Additionally, with a psychopath, you're always the bad one. Even though they lie, cheat, manipulate, steal, and con—you're the one with the problem. Psychopaths have this innate ability to make you feel like there's something wrong with you for recognising that there's something off about them.

If you're having a lot of confusing thoughts and emotions like this, you may be dealing with a psychopath.

Once you know the signs of a psychopath, you can begin to figure out how to remove them from your life. This might not be an easy task, especially if you're dating a psychopath. But awareness is the first step of leaving your abusive relationship.

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What happens - Moving outside of the facade with fear of exposure or keeping the control active inside the facade. Using people's empathy and tolerance against them. Applying instructions and confusion to cause influence and harm. Each triangulation will have a hidden purpose at first.

The tactic driven by a hidden agenda:

OverComeWithUs - Understanding Narcissistic Triangulation

Understanding Narcissistic Triangulation

Narcissistic triangulation is a manipulative tactic employed by narcissists where they use a third party to create conflict, cause confusion, or instigate competition.

It's a form of emotional manipulation where the narcissist positions themselves as the 'prize' or 'victim' between two individuals who are pitted against each other.

This strategy allows the narcissist to maintain control, divert attention from their behaviour, and feed their need for validation and power.

It's a particularly damaging tactic because it not only harms the direct victim but also drags an unsuspecting third party into the conflict.

The signs and symptoms of narcissistic triangulation can vary, but there are some common ones to watch out for.

You may notice that the narcissist often talks about another person excessively, either in a positive or negative light, in an attempt to provoke jealousy or insecurity.

They might also share your personal information with this third party or vice versa, creating tension and mistrust.

Another typical sign is the narcissist playing the victim or the hero in situations, subtly manipulating others into certain roles.

Understanding the psychology behind narcissistic behaviour and triangulation is crucial. At its core, it's about control and self-validation.

Narcissists have a deep-seated need for admiration and will use various tactics, including triangulation, to satisfy this need.

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VeryWellMind - What Is Triangulation in Psychology?

Learn about this harmful form of psychological manipulation

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Let’s examine how some people with NPD and BPD use triangulation since it’s commonly found in these two disorders.

How Do People With NPD Use Triangulation?

Some people with narcissistic personality disorder may use triangulation to increase their feelings of supremacy, secure their self-esteem, and devalue other people while keeping potential competitors off-balance.2 They aren't that different from the kids who use it to help navigate middle and high school status wars.

How Do People With BPD Use Triangulation?

People with borderline personality disorder focus on receiving reassurance that they are loved to avoid feelings of abandonment. They may use triangulation to manipulate someone to feel jealous to prove their love and commitment to them.

Impact of Triangulation

When someone experiences triangulation, they may fear what other people think and feel humiliated, concerned, and self-protective.

You might feel the need to set the record straight, or you may even want to confront the other people involved. However, by doing so, you allow the perpetrator to win. Sometimes, they're hoping for this kind of reaction, hoping that you'll lose control and act out in impulse and fear.

This type of partnership can temporarily alleviate the stress of the situation. However, it can also be risky because it results in dysfunctional patterns and cycles within the relationship, especially if reinforced over multiple occasions. Over time, it creates a messy situation that will often lead to even more hurt feelings or misunderstandings.

The Golden Child-Scapegoat Family Dynamic

Within a dysfunctional family unit, the unhealthy, toxic, and often selfish caregiver splits their moral self-image and inferior self-image into two distinct parts projected onto their kids. As a result, one child becomes the golden child who can do no wrong, while the other becomes the scapegoat.

Coping With Triangulation

When dealing with triangulation, it's essential to remember that only you have control over what you do, not the provoking or baiting person. Remember, nobody can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission.

Here are a few things you shouldn’t do:

Respond quickly to surprising news.

Lose your temper or lose control of your feelings. While you can't control other people, you always have control over your own words and responses, and that is where you'll always have power.

Here are a few things you should do:

Take a step back and consider the facts.

Clarify anything you are told before acting on it.

Stay in touch with loved and trusted ones In your life, and tell them about any problems or issues that arise.

Maintain a healthy balance between family, friends, work, and leisure time.

Remove yourself from a conversation if you sense it turning into an unhealthy or dysfunctional one.

Maintain your self-control. This is how you keep your power and demonstrate that you will not be manipulated like that.

What Is Triangulation?

In psychology, triangulation is a term used to describe when a person uses threats of exclusion or manipulation. Its goal is to divide and conquer. A form of manipulation, triangulation involves the use of indirect communication, often behind someone's back.

In the list of toxic behaviours, triangulation may be the most well-known.

Noble H, Heale R. Triangulation in research, with examples. Evid Based Nurs. 2019;22(3):67-68. doi:10.1136/ebnurs-2019-103145

But what is triangulation exactly, why is it such a common manipulation tactic, and how can you recognize it? Keep reading to learn more.

Signs of Triangulation

Triangulation is an approach used by many different people who share one thing in common: insecurity. As a result, they're willing to manipulate others in harmful ways to get what they want or feel a sense of security in a relationship.

It's a highly effective strategy to earn an advantage over noted rivals by manipulating them into conflicts between one another. Triangulation is a method used by selfish individuals to comfort and protect their egos.

Examples

If a parent refuses to acknowledge their children's personality and individualism, and at the same time, siblings are treated very differently and discouraged from communicating with one another except through the parent, it's triangulation.

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Marriage - What does narcissistic triangulation mean?

What is narcissistic triangulation? Narcissistic triangulation is an emotional manipulation strategy a narcissist uses to push things in their favour.

They introduce a third party into the picture so that the conversation or argument goes their way. If the third person is physically present, narcissists use triangulation to cause division. Hence, the third party ends up being on their side.

In this research study by Nicholas J.S. Day and other authors, you will learn more about the personality trait of narcissism and how it affects their relationships. This study is titled Living with pathological narcissism.

Why do many narcissists triangulate?

On why do narcissists triangulate, one of the main reasons is because they want to show their superiority status over the other person.

They also want to shift the burden of an argument to the third person so they won’t be alone. Narcissists also use triangulation to distract the other person from the main point or argument.

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Healthline - Narcissistic Triangulation

What’s the motivation?

People can triangulate without meaning to, often when they find it difficult to address conflict directly and want support from friends and loved ones.

Narcissistic triangulation, on the other hand, happens intentionally.

It uniquely serves the needs of someone with narcissism because it lets them utilize both parties as a source of narcissistic supply, Greenberg explains.

Narcissistic supply refers to the attention, praise, admiration, power, or sense of specialness that people with narcissism need. Triangulation helps reinforce their sense of superiority and specialness while leaving others confused and unbalanced.

It also offers an opportunity to devalue one person while raising another and drawing them closer. They can later use them as a consistent source of praise and admiration or further manipulate them in pursuit of their own goals.

This tactic can also drive wedges into relationship dynamics, allowing the person with narcissistic tendencies to turn two people against each other and remain dominant.

By devaluing one person, they can make themselves look better and achieve their goals more easily. Triangulation also prevents others from aligning against them. If you’re competing for their favourite role, you’re not working together to stand up to them.

How to respond

Once you recognise the signs of narcissistic triangulation — constant comparisons, for example, or the classic, “I really shouldn’t tell you this, but I think you should know what so-and-so said about you” — you might wonder how to respond most effectively.

Standing your ground in the face of these divide-and-conquer tactics is often easier said than done, but these strategies can help.

Set boundaries

You may not always find it possible to prevent narcissistic triangulation. Even if you cut all ties with someone, nothing stops them from talking about you to others who are still in your life.

You may have to accept and ignore what they’ve already said or implied about you, but you don’t need to offer them an opportunity to manipulate you further.

Ignore attempts to bait or manipulate you.

Refuse to let yourself be drawn into competitions, attempts to praise or elevate you, or private confidences.

Protect your emotional well-being by building a network of supportive friends and loved ones.

Walk away from situations where you find yourself alone with them.

Avoid sharing any personal details with them.

Triangulation happens when one or both of the people involved in the conflict try to pull a third person into the dynamic, often with the goal of:

deflecting some of the tension

creating another conflict to take the spotlight off the original issue

reinforcing their sense of rightness or superiority

People with narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic tendencies might also use triangulation, usually to maintain control over situations by manipulating others.

Favored child vs. the scapegoat

A parent with narcissism might also triangulate by playing children off each other. They might designate one child as the good child, or the favorite, while the other serves as a scapegoat for wrongdoing and blame, explains Greenberg.

The parent might alternate their attentions, occasionally elevating the scapegoat child and devaluing the favorite, or they might simply imply that the scapegoat child should try harder to earn their love and affection.

The bottom line

People with narcissism generally only change when they choose to make the effort, so you can’t always stop narcissistic triangulation.

When you’re struggling to find productive responses and safeguard your own well-being when involved with someone who uses these tactics, a therapist can offer guidance and help you put together a toolbox of helpful coping skills.

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Between parents and children

Parents with narcissism generally use triangulation in one of two main ways.

Elinor Greenberg, PhD, Gestalt therapist and author of Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety, explains that a parent with narcissism may pull a child into a triangle when the other parent loses patience and leaves the relationship.

This narcissistic parent might work to buy the child’s love by:

offering treats the other parent doesn’t normally allow

lying or manipulating older children into believing the fault lies with the parent who left

ignoring reasonable rules and limits set by the other parent

The child might then respond by supplying the parent with the admiration and love they need and no longer receive from the other parent.

1. Spot the signs

The first step in addressing triangulation emotional abuse is to learn to spot the signs. You won’t be able to stop a narcissist from this unpleasant act until you know how to recognise it. Unfortunately, many narcissists are smart and will try to ensure that you don’t see their moves coming.

However, no matter the hack they use, it is important to know the basic signs. For example, a narcissist who wants to triangulate would try to complement others so they can put you down. Some of them use the excuse of wanting to motivate you, but it is not the truth.

2. Learn to stay calm

When narcissists employ the triangulation tactic, they expect you to lose your balance and act in a way that you will end up taking the blame.

However, when you notice this, the best way how to react to narcissist triangulation is to keep calm and preferably maintain a neutral disposition to leave them further confused.

When you remain calm, you subtly tell them that you won’t be victimised, irrespective of what they do.

Also, it is important to keep telling yourself that everything they say is false. This is where you focus on reality instead of your emotions, which the narcissist triangulation tactics might influence.

3. Communicate with them and be assertive

During narcissist triangulation, when you notice that they have finished what they have to say, this is when you try to speak. It would help if you began with a calm but assertive tone so they know you are serious.

Being assertive can also serve as a future warning to them not to try any form of narcissist triangulation with you again. While communicating with them, ensure you use respectful words so they don’t use them against you.

4. Set firm boundaries

As you communicate with them and try to break free of narcissist triangulation, you must set clear and strong boundaries. These boundaries will serve as a reminder for them not to repeat the bad habit.

5. Digress to a different topic

One of the ways to stop a narcissist in their tracks or the triangulation abuse is by changing the subject. But unfortunately, they cannot see this coming because they are deep into what they’re doing.

6. Give an excuse to leave

It is always important to include the element of surprise when dealing with a narcissist or narcissist's triangulate tactics. If you are in the heat of narcissist triangulation, you can make an excuse to leave.

However, you need to know that the longer you listen to them, the more they get into your head and drain your energy.

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InMindOut - Triangulation

When can it turn messy?

The third person that is pulled in can be put into inappropriate roles (ex., children put in the middle of parental conflict, or a third sibling being pulled into another 2 siblings’ conflict, talking to a friend about a conflict you have not addressed with your partner)

One person in the triangle can feel isolated, ignored, excluded, or being outcasted

The person who is triangulating another person may be putting unwelcomed pressure on them

Direct, respectful, authentic communication is not occurring between the two original parties

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How To Leave An Abusive Relationship: Step-By-Step Guide

This resource is a step-by-step guide on how to leave an abusive relationship. Whether you're ready to leave now or just trying to figure out exactly what to do when the moment arrives, what matters most is that you're considering taking even a small step in a new direction⁠—a direction that is leading you away from your abusive relationship and into a safe space.

1. Get some clarity and remind yourself that you're doing the right thing.

You are not to blame for the abuse you're experiencing, and none of the harm you are suffering is your fault. It's common for abusers to try to convince you that the abuse is your fault—don't buy it.

2. Prioritise your safety as you plan and prepare.

Safety is the No. 1 concern when beginning to reach out for help and plan how to leave an abusive relationship, Powell explains. Making sure abusers don't become aware that you're planning to leave is the safest way to move forward.

3. Talk to a professional in private.

Local victim advocates can assist you with creating a safety plan and guide you through all the steps of this process, Katz explains. You don't have to do it alone.

4. Reach out to friends and family who can help.

If your abuser isolates you from your friends, family, and other people in your life who could help you or sense danger, there's a chance that you're feeling alone. In reality, the people in your life who loved you before your abuser took over your life will want to help you when they find out you're in serious need of love and care.

Unique concerns for male victims of abuse.

Many men, boys, and people who are not women across the gender spectrum suffer in silence due to prevailing narratives about abuse. One 2018 study found male victims of abuse worry they won't be believed or worry they will be perceived as less masculine if they report it, and as a result, many men aren't able to leave their abusive relationships.

It's particularly important for boys and men to reach out to domestic violence hotlines to find options for housing, healing, and recovery that take into account the unique struggles of male survivors. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (number listed below) and ask for services for men specifically. You are not alone.

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What Is Gaslighting? How To Know If You're Experiencing It In A Relationship

When you're in a relationship with someone you love, the last thing you'd expect is for them to gaslight you.

Here are a few signs you can look out for to determine if you're a victim of gaslighting in your relationship, plus tips to help you navigate it.

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that involves making someone question their own reality, feelings, and experiences of events, in order to maintain control over that person.

People use gaslighting to "gain an upper hand and avoid accountability," according to Andrea Papin, RTC, and Jess Jackson, LMT, therapists at Trauma Aware Care.

"Gaslighting at its core is always about self-preservation and the maintenance of power/control—namely, the power/control to construct a narrative that keeps the gaslighter in the 'right' and their partner in the 'wrong,'" therapist Aki Rosenberg, LMFT, tells mbg.

The term "gaslighting" is a form of psychological manipulation that involves making someone question their own reality, feelings, and experiences of events, in order to maintain control over that person.

Examples of gaslighting

Gaslighting involves the covert use of mind games that make it difficult to know if you are even experiencing gaslighting, and that is the point.

According to licensed therapist Alyssa "Lia" Mancao, LCSW, common examples of gaslighting phrases include:

"You're making things up."

"That never happened."

"You're being dramatic."

"You're blowing things out of proportion."

What you'll notice in every situation of gaslighting is the gaslighter avoiding taking responsibility for their own role in the relationship.

Signs of gaslighting in a relationship

You find yourself doubting your reality

Every relationship has its challenges, and sometimes that means confronting your own behaviors. However, when you second-guess yourself to the point where you feel like you're "losing it," that's a major sign of gaslighting.

2. Your partner is dismissive of your feelings

When you bring up a concern or share your feelings with your partner, they may convince you that you're the one mistaken or that you're overthinking. In the context of a healthy relationship, your partner will listen to your concerns and address them.

3. They never let you talk during a conflict

When you're in the middle of an argument with them, you might feel like they're constantly cutting you off and not letting you explain your point of view. "If you find yourself recording your conversations or writing long emails to get your point across because you can never get a word in when you speak to a person, you're probably experiencing gaslighting," Sutton adds.

4. Your partner doesn't apologise when you express hurt

If you share with your partner that you are hurt and they lack empathy, that is a red flag. "If your partner doesn't apologize when you express hurt but convinces you that you shouldn't think what you are thinking or feel how you are feeling," that's a telltale sign of gaslighting, says Rosenberg.

5. Your partner blames you or outside circumstances

If you notice that your partner often blames you when conflict arises or blames their own actions on outside factors, that is a sign of gaslighting.

6. You start believing that you're just not working hard enough in your relationship

At some point in your relationship, you may begin to believe that you are not doing enough. Your partner has denied, minimized, or placed the blame on you when you've tried to voice your concerns. Over time this can cause you to internalize those messages to the point where you believe that it is your fault.

7. Using your voice brings about feelings of guilt

Your relationship may get to the point where sharing any of your feelings becomes incredibly difficult to do. If the thought of bringing up a concern or sharing your true feelings starts making you feel guilty, therapist Mariel Buquè, Ph.D., says that's a sign that "there is control at the center of your relationship, which is a key marker of gaslighting." She recommends paying attention to if you are feeling suppressed or "if you are feeling voiceless in your relationship," as that is a sign of being gaslit.

Why do people gaslight?

"Gaslighting can make the perpetrator feel more powerful and in control," Papin and Jackson explain.

A person who gaslights might not have the capacity to sit with their emotions or self-reflect and may even have feelings of low self-worth that they are uncomfortable dealing with.

In some cases, gaslighting is used by someone psychologists would identify as a narcissist, where the person has no sense of remorse for their actions or empathy for their partner.

Gaslighting can be done either consciously or unconsciously, they add. Although gaslighting is never justified, there are some people who may not realise they are even doing it.

Some people consistently rely on gaslighting as a tactic to maintain control in relationships, so they might not realize how harmful it is. "Some folks have been gaslighting those around them for so long that it's a second-nature survival strategy," Papin and Jackson explain.

Gaslighting is a common method to keep power structures in place and oppress folks who have less access to support and resources.

How to stop gaslighting in a relationship

Seek support to affirm your experience

The therapists agreed that seeking support from trusted people outside of your relationship is crucial to helping you feel validated and affirmed in your experience. "Because gaslighting is so invalidating and manipulative, reminders and empathy can feel deeply supportive," Papin and Jackson explain. "You might turn to a trusted friend, or a therapist, if you have access to one."

3. If you're dealing with a narcissist, confronting them is futile

It's unlikely that a toxic person will admit to manipulating the relationship in order to have a sense of control. If you are experiencing gaslighting in the moment, Sutton recommends removing yourself from the situation: "Don't engage. If possible, end the conversation. Gaslighters aren't interested in your perspective or feelings," and it would take you more energy and suffering to try to convince them otherwise.

4. Leave the relationship if gaslighting persists

If the gaslighting is pervasive and confronting your partner is not an option, do consider leaving the relationship. Sutton urges that if your partner becomes enraged while they are gaslighting you or putting you in danger, it is even more imperative that you consider ending the relationship altogether. This may not be easy, but it may be a necessary step toward feeling safe.

5. Notice the patterns

"Regardless of if you choose to stay or go, develop an understanding of your own attachment patterns," Rosenberg recommends. "Sometimes we legitimately can't see this behavior coming, but often, when we look back on a bad relationship, we recognize all the red flags and gut instincts we overrode in the hopes of receiving love and connection."

6. Recognise it is not up to you to stop the gaslighting

The experts all shared this sentiment: Gaslighting is never your fault. Even though your partner may have convinced you that the toxic pattern is because of you, it is never your responsibility to stop the gaslighting from happening. In a healthy relationship, both partners are accountable to their own behaviours, and when it comes to gaslighting, the person doing it must have a willingness to change.

The takeaway

Gaslighting is almost never your fault and is often the result of a toxic partner.

If you or someone you know may be experiencing gaslighting, talk with a therapist or other mental health professional to help cope with the situation and develop the best course of action.

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Do You Have Toxic Family Members? Ways To Deal With Them

When it comes to letting go of relationships with our toxic family members, we have some options available to us. I know from experience and from treating others that it is essential to try all of these options. When we try everything, it makes our final decision to go no-contact more comfortable as we come to see the toxic people in our lives leave us with no other choice.

1. Cordial contact

The first step to setting limits on these toxic relationships is the option of cordial contact. Through this option, we fake it till we make it when in the presence of our toxic family members.

2. Low contact

Another option is initiating a relationship of low contact with our toxic family members. In this option, we choose only to see or talk to them at family gatherings or other major holidays or events. Outside of this, we do all we can to avoid them. This option also may work for a while, but our toxic family members will catch on quickly and do all they can to force their way fully back into our lives.

The bottom line is this. When our toxic family members sense we've pulled away or are pulling back, they escalate their manipulations because they do not respect any of our needs for space. They do not want us having the space or time to think rationally about our relationship with them because once we do, they get exposed and lose. For this reason, the middle ground is the worst place to be with our toxic family members. They have no idea how to function in that arena. They prefer to be all in or all out. When our toxic family members feel the gray area between us, what they usually do is cut ties with us.

3. No contact

When we finally reach the point with our toxic family members where we decide the only healthy option for us is to go no-contact, we have arrived on the front lines of a very challenging, freeing, and yet deeply painful decision. If we are at this place, we can trust that we more than likely took more abuse than we ever deserved—assuming we ever deserved any of it. If we have reached this point, we can trust that we were pushed to it by our toxic family members. We must never feel guilty for protecting ourselves with the no-contact option.

We have every right to protect ourselves from those who manipulate and emotionally abuse us. At one point we loved our toxic family members and wanted them in our lives more than anything else. Yet at too many points in time, we sacrificed our happiness to serve theirs, shut our mouth when we desperately wanted to speak up, and did what they wanted because doing that was easier than dealing with their drama. We must understand that our toxic family members have simply walked us to the door we're now choosing to shut.

Signals of a toxic relationship

When the relationship is based in any type of abuse: mentally, physically, sexually, verbally, or emotionally.

When the only contact you have with them is negative.

When the relationship creates so much stress it affects the important areas of your life at work or home.

When you find yourself obsessed with the gossip about you and trying to right wrong information and constantly being ostracised to the point you are losing sleep over it.

When the relationship is all about the other person, and there is no real reason why the other person cannot make any effort toward the health and maintenance of the relationship with you.

When crazy-making, no-win games dominate the relationship—such as the silent treatment, blame games, and no-win arguments that spin around on you.

Why going no-contact is challenging

This decision is more forced upon us than it is voluntary, and it's confusing because we're conditioned to believe that terminating relationships with family is morally wrong. However, our toxic family members are just people and not always healthy people. In reality, if these individuals were not our family members, we would never choose them to be part of our lives. Under the ideal of family, we spend years sacrificing our mental and emotional health under the notion that we have to make this sacrifice because these people are family. We are conditioned to believe that if we end relationships with them, we are bad people. No one wants to feel that they are inherently bad.

Nevertheless, here is what I know for sure. It is far better to make the decision to go no-contact and break our own heart than it is to stay in a relationship in which our toxic family members break our heart over and over.

Finally: Secure a support system

Before you choose to go no-contact, I highly recommend that you have a loving support system in place to reassure yourself that you will not be alone once you make this change. What you have to be prepared for is the response of your toxic family members. They will likely do all they can to isolate you by targeting your key supports to do what they can to turn them against you. Once you see the smear campaign is in full effect, you must come to trust that you need to stay quiet and not engage. Just let it happen and let it pass.

The more you fight the smearing, the bigger the gossip and lies become and the crazier you will look to others. Our toxic family members smear us for the sole purpose of trying to rob us of the very support system we need and deserve to have in place. They want to ensure we are robbed of having a soft place to fall and that we do not have people on our side supporting our decision.

If we want to be healthy, we must prepare for the fact that when we leave our toxic family members, we will likely also be forced to leave behind many others who connect us to them. We must be OK with this, embracing it as an acceptable loss. I have experienced in my own life and watched others who have also been in a similar position have things turn out better than fine when they make these decisions.

3. Your silence speaks so much louder than any words could

4. You will develop important emotional skills

5. You will rediscover forgotten sources of happiness

6. You'll be able to define your nonnegotiable values

7. No contact will bring you back to reality

8. No contact will make you stronger, faster

It's your job to figure out why you were born and how to make your life rich with meaning.

This work is hard. It's often painful. But it's the place where life begins and starts getting really rich, rewarding, and fun.

You feel younger and wake up excited for the tasks that lie ahead.

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8 Things A Narcissist Does At The End Of A Relationship

Things a narcissist does at the end of a relationship

Here's what you can expect at the end of a relationship with a narcissist. They will:

1.Blame you

When things don't work out, the narcissist puts the blame entirely on someone else. You were on a pedestal at the beginning of the relationship.

2.Attempt to convince you you've made a mistake

After months or years of being told you're wrong and having your decisions devalued by the narcissist, you are probably prone to second-guessing yourself. And the narcissist will certainly try to convince you that you've made a mistake. They try charisma, coaxing, persuasion, and then intimidation, goading, and outright provocation to get back in control of the relationship.

3.Attempt to guilt-trip you into staying

Guilt is a powerful tool for the narcissist to pull you back into the relationship.

4.Demand attention, even after you've broken up

It is easier to leave a narcissist if you cut off as much contact as possible. However, narcissists can be extremely persistent in grabbing your attention.

Inevitably, this hope disintegrates. Narcissists can't stop trying to control you, and they can't seem to control their own behaviors for any length of time. For a while, you think things are getting better. However, when the narcissist gets comfortable in the relationship again, they'll go back to being self-absorbed, inconsiderate, arrogant, insensitive, and blaming. And invariably if things don't go their way, they're instantly back to the same defensive and antagonistic patterns.

6.Use social attacks and gossip

It is hard to keep the end of your relationship with a narcissist out of the public eye because the narcissist demands that everyone you know choose sides. As soon as possible, they will tell your friends, neighbors, church members, and club acquaintances in person and on social media their version of the story of your breakup. That is very distressful for most caretakers. During your entire relationship, the narcissist insisted on extreme privacy about your interactions together, and now they are spreading all kinds of misinformation and slander and trying to ruin your good name. Too often caretakers continue to keep their promises not to talk about the relationship, which means the narcissist's lies stand without challenge.

Gossip is a manipulative tactic designed to make you the bad guy and to garner the narcissist as much sympathy as possible. It can also work effectively to reengage you with them and bring you under their control.

7.Stalking

Although stalking is usually not blatant or threatening by narcissists, it is not uncommon for narcissists to fortuitously be at the grocery store when you are, to suddenly appear at a community or social event you attend, or to change their running route so they go down your street every morning. Be prepared ahead of time that these unexpected meetings might occur. They're designed to keep you aware of the narcissist's presence and emotionally off-balance.

8.Reveal their neediness

Narcissists appear to be strong and independent, but they are actually extremely needy. You may find it hard to let go of taking care of the narcissist. You may get calls to come fix their car, or they may still expect you to keep doing the accounting for their business, or they want you to take down the Christmas lights on their house, or they expect you to still make their dentist appointments. It can be exhausting and difficult for you to say no to these persistent requests. Too often you get pulled back into interactions with the narcissist that really don't benefit you.

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How To Recognize A Guilt Trip & Respond When It Happens

What does "guilt trip" really mean?

Guilt tripping is a type of behavior that involves making someone feel guilty for something rather than directly expressing your displeasure.

Why it's not OK to guilt trip someone.

It's not a bad thing to express when you feel hurt or upset by someone else's behavior, Page notes, but when you start to become passive aggressive and manipulative about it, that's when it becomes a problem. "Guilt tripping is indirect and manipulative, [and] it works by making people feel bad about themselves," he says.

Is guilt-tripping a form of gaslighting?

Gaslighting and guilt-tripping are not the same, though they have "large areas of overlap," according to Page. He notes that gaslighting is all about denying someone's reality to make them question themselves, which is a "deep form of manipulation."

Guilt tripping is more about making someone feel bad or guilty for their behavior. That said, dark personality types like narcissists and other toxic people will often use both of these manipulation tactics freely and without remorse, Page explains.

Common signs to look out for:

Behaviour and comments meant to make you feel guilty or bad

Making you feel like you owe them something

Refusal to say what's wrong but acting upset

Expressing negative feelings about you in indirect ways

Comments like "I must not mean that much to you," "I'm glad you could finally squeeze me into your busy schedule," or, "I do so much for you," etc.

Talking about you as a bad person, partner, friend, etc.

Withholding affection and/or attention as punishment

Passive-aggressive behaviour

The bottom line.

Guilt tripping can range from small, rare instances to extreme cases of manipulation. If things escalate to the point of emotional abuse, remove yourself from the situation as best you can.

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MindBodyGreen - 5 Lingering Effects Of Emotional Abuse (And How To Heal Them)

The truth lives in our body and behaviours, and the truth will keep manifesting in increasingly strange ways until we find our way home. Here are five signs that suggest you might still be suffering from the lingering effects of emotional abuse:

1. Numbness

You isolate yourself, becoming more an observer of the world than a participant. Everything feels blocked. You don't feel bad — but you don't feel good either. You don't feel much of anything at all. Even when you know you should be happy, it's like there's a tight guard around your heart at all times, preventing anything from going in or out.

2. Seeking approval

This one can be really sneaky because it manifests in ways that are socially acceptable: people-pleasing, excessive accomplishing, being "nice" to everyone, and hyper-focusing on your appearance.

3. Resentment

This can build up over time, and it's not about throwing objects or screaming. Far more common signs include irritability, blame, blood pressure changes, heart tightness, frustration, and impatience.

4. Judging and analysing

This is a personality shift that happens slowly. You hear nice words coming out of your mouth, but your thoughts are somewhere else entirely.

5. Anxiety and depression

Insomnia, appetite changes, constant fear, a sense of doom, and hopelessness: self-destruct mode. This is your body saying "no more." Your patchwork — the above four solutions — aren't working anymore, and your body is going to torture your mind until you surrender to the only permanent solution: love.

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15 Signs You're Dealing With A Narcissist, From A Therapist

(It's been shown that individuals who have NPD often require constant admiration, show arrogance, entitlement, envy, exploitativeness, lack empathy, self-importance, and more.)

Not all of the traits have to be present to make a determination of narcissism: According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, which therapists use as a guide, a person needs to exhibit only 55% of the identified characteristics of a narcissist to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.

1.Grandiosity (for facade, a compensating behaviour)

Narcissists have to be the best, the most right, and the most competent; do everything their way; own everything; and control everyone.

4.Controlling behavior

Narcissists want and demand to be in control, and their sense of entitlement makes it seem logical to them that they should be in control of everything.

5.Lack of accountability

Narcissists never want to be responsible unless everything goes their way. They often place all the blame and responsibility on someone else to maintain their own façade of perfection.

6.No boundaries

Narcissists lack boundaries. They believe that everything belongs to them and everyone thinks and feels the same as they do.

7.Insecurity

Narcissists perceive everything as a threat. They frequently misread subtle facial expressions and are typically biased toward interpreting facial expressions as negative.

8.Lack of empathy

Narcissists have very little ability to empathize with others and often lack an understanding of the nature of feelings.

9.Deflection

Narcissists make most of their decisions based on how they feel about something. They always look to something or someone outside themselves to solve their feelings and needs.

10.Blaming

A narcissist's personality is split into good and bad parts. Any negative thoughts or behaviors are blamed on you or others, whereas they take credit for everything that is positive and good.

11.Trust issues

Narcissists are constantly afraid of being ridiculed, rejected, or wrong and often struggle to trust other people.

12.Anxiety

Narcissists typically deal with anxiety, and typically project their anxiety onto their closest loved ones, accusing them of being negative or unsupportive.

13.Deep-seated shame

Narcissists don't feel much guilt because they think they are always right, and they harbor a lot of shame and often bury their insecurities, fears, and rejected traits that they are constantly on guard to hide from everyone, including themselves.

14.Lack of love

Narcissists can't truly love or connect emotionally with other people because of their inability to understand feelings, their lack of empathy, and their constant need for self-protection.

15.Not a "team player"

Narcissists don't have the capacity or the motivation to communicate or work as part of a team.

It's been shown that individuals who have NPD often require constant admiration, show arrogance, entitlement, envy, exploitativeness, lack empathy, self-importance, and more.

Causes of narcissism:

1.Genetics

There may be a genetic predisposition to developing NPD. Research has suggested that individuals with a family history of personality disorders, including narcissism, may be at a higher risk.

2.Childhood

It's been shown that one's experiences during childhood, such as excessive overprotection3

or criticism, can contribute to the development of narcissistic traits.

4.Trauma

Experiencing trauma or emotional abuse

can lead some individuals to develop narcissistic traits as a way to shield themselves from emotional pain.

5.Psychological factors

A fragile self-esteem, insecurities, or a lack of empathy may contribute to the development of narcissistic traits as a defence mechanism.

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Psychology Today - Narcissism Demystified

People with narcissistic personalities may behave differently than non-narcissists, such as shunning introspection and denying mistakes.

Narcissists may also have different values than non-narcissists, such as status and image, as opposed to compassion and authenticity.

Characteristics of Non-Narcissists:

Value introspection

Care about the feelings of others

Don’t personalise others’ actions

Seek spontaneity

Celebrate others’ good moods

Seek to learn from mistakes

Cultivate hope

Take responsibility

Communicate when upset

Accept constructive criticism

Seek win-win solutions

Seek resolution

Have reciprocal relationships

Values of Non-Narcissists:

Growth

Connect with others

Equality

Fairness

Compassion

Authenticity

—————————-

Characteristics of Narcissists:

Shun introspection

Lack empathy

Become hypersensitive to slights

Act impulsively

Spoil others’ good moods

Deny or hide mistakes

Are driven by fear

Blame others

Stonewall or withdraw when upset

Get enraged when criticised

Pursue win-lose strategies

Hold grudges

Have one-way relationships

Narcissistic behaviours such as those listed above are generally designed to disguise insecurities. Some behaviors, like avoiding introspection, denying mistakes, stonewalling, or blaming others, seek to shine the spotlight away from a narcissist's perceived flaws.

Values of People with Narcissism:

Perfection

Get attention from others

Superiority

Winning

Status

Image

Recognising how different the behaviours and values of narcissistic people are can give rise to four valuable questions:

Do you allow people with narcissism to treat you differently than you let others treat you?

If so, why?

What is the cost?

Is it worth it?

As with most personality disorders, narcissistic personality disorder is characterised by distorted views of one's self, others, and the world. By seeing such distortions and then identifying and staying true to your values, you can hold your own in the face of narcissistic people and behaviour.

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WellBodyMind- How to Recognize the Signs and Types of Manipulative Behavior

Characteristics of Manipulative Behavior

Manipulative behaviour can be done consciously or subconsciously with ill or good intentions. It is a human trait, which means everyone has done something manipulative before. The tactics can be overt or subtle.

Some signs of manipulative behaviour include:

• Someone knowing your weakness and exploiting it for personal gain

• Convincing a person to give up important people or things in their lives to create codependency

• Withholding the truth, lying, and blaming you without taking responsibility for their actions

• Making vague accusations

• A person constantly judging or ridiculing you, in person or in private, in ways that make you feel insecure

• Gaslighting when confronted with an issue

• Passive-aggressive behaviour when angry instead of directly expressing their concerns

Types of Manipulative Behavior 

Manipulative behaviour and emotional manipulation go hand-in-hand. Playing mind games creates fear, a questioning of your reality, and degrades your trust in yourself and others.

Here are some forms of manipulative behaviour:

• Gaslighting

• Passive aggression

• Criticizing

• Lying

• Shaming

• Isolation

• Denial

• Avoidance

• Intimidation

• Victimhood

• Flattery

Antisocial

Continuously violates the rights of others; history of antisocial tendencies prior to age 15; often lies, fights, and has problems with the law; impulsive and fails to think ahead; can be deceitful and manipulative in order to gain profit or pleasure; irresponsible and often fails to hold down a job or pay financial debts; lacks feelings for others and remorse over misdeeds

Histrionic

Excessively overdramatic, emotional, and theatrical; feels uncomfortable when not the center of others’ attention; behavior is often inappropriately seductive or provocative; speech is highly emotional but often vague and diffuse; emotions are shallow and often shift rapidly; may alienate friends with demands for constant attention

Narcissistic

Overinflated and unjustified sense of self-importance and preoccupied with fantasies of success; feels entitled to special treatment from others; shows arrogant attitudes and behaviors; takes advantage of others; lacks empathy

Borderline

Unstable in self-image, mood, and behavior; cannot tolerate being alone and experiences chronic feelings of emptiness; unstable and intense relationships with others; behavior is impulsive, unpredictable, and sometimes self-damaging; shows inappropriate and intense anger; makes suicidal gestures

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MindBodyGreen - The Dark Triad: Understanding The 3 Dark Personality Types, From Psychologists

1.Narcissism

Greg Park, Ph.D., a personality researcher and founder of TraitLab, says that narcissists tend to self-enhance: "They have an unusually strong motivation to maintain a positive, attractive, or successful image in the eyes and minds of other people. Narcissists are also more likely than the other triad-mates to defend their image or reputation very aggressively, even in response to relatively minor threats or comments." Because narcissistic people have extreme admiration for themselves.

2.Psychopathy

"Psychopaths have a much greater capacity to act aggressively or cruelly to other people or living things," Park tells mbg. Psychopaths lack a natural aversion to harming others but tend to operate on a shorter timeline than Machiavellians. "Psychopaths are much more likely to bully, troll, or take revenge on others," he adds.

3.Machiavellianism

Jonason says to look no further than Darth Sidious for a model of Machiavellianism: "Episode after episode, generation after generation, he engages in this long-term plan," Jonasan explains. He credits the research of social psychologist Dan Jones for homing in on this notion that "people particularly high in Machiavellianism, as opposed to other traits, are tactical planners.

Machiavellians exude duplicitousness and pragmatism. Their agenda, not the people along the way, is truly what matters most to them. They are less impulsive but are much more likely to cheat, steal, or lie when it is in their self-interest and when there is little risk of getting caught, Park says. Though most people stop themselves from lying, cheating, or stealing out of guilt or on principle, the difference for Machiavellians is whether it serves their interest and whether they can get away with it.

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MindBodyGreen - What is manipulation?

In the context of relationships, manipulation refers to actions taken by a person to try to control others, usually in a deceptive or harmful way. Psychological manipulation involves pressure to change behaviors or beliefs by applying deceptive or distorted tactics. Emotional manipulation uses those same tactics to trigger intense emotional reactions deliberately meant to drain another person’s energy or to destabilize their emotional well-being.

Psychologists say the root cause of manipulative behavior can often be toxic cycles of violence, narcissism, or unhealthy relationships in the manipulator’s own childhood.

Common signs of manipulation.

1.You’re doubting your own reality.

Manipulation has many facets, but Balestrieri says one of the most important is gaslighting, which is a conversational tactic designed to “separate you from your gut instinct or logical appraisals of the world.”

McCoy says that if you’re feeling yourself questioning your integrity or “sanity,” that’s a sign that something’s wrong and manipulation may be occurring.

“When you doubt your reality, it makes it easier for a manipulator to convince and persuade you to align with their vision,” Balestrieri continues. “The sole purpose of gaslighting is to separate someone from their own reality and elicit doubt in their minds, or the minds of others, so that the person who is gaslighting can get away with something or retain the upper hand when it comes to the perceived control of others.”

2.The relationship is very emotionally intense.

Manipulation in romantic relationships often involves facilitating an intense, passionate connection that lays the groundwork for trying to maintain control.

“Love bombing, chaos, and intensity are frequent and foundational elements, necessary for successful manipulation,” Balestrieri explains. “Keeping relational partners confused and disoriented and distracted by fantasies of what is to come or the good times that have happened is a common tactic employed by manipulative and abusive partners.”

3.You fear abandonment.

“If someone is being manipulated, they may begin to feel uncertainty, fear, or confusion,” McCoy says.

Many victims may dismiss manipulation signs as the normal give and take in a relationship, but McCoy says you can tell the difference between healthy compromise and unhealthy manipulation by whether there’s fear involved. “With compromise, there won't be the thought ‘If I don't do what that person says they are going to leave me or hurt me,’” she says.

4.You have a gut feeling that something’s wrong.

“Listening to your gut instinct is essential in assessing manipulation,” Balestrieri explains. “The enteric nervous system, part of the Autonomic Nervous System, lives in our intestines and gut and is responsible for discerning sensory cues and transmitting that information to the brain. Their efforts together are designed to appraise threat, and often this happens outside of our conscious awareness, which we notice as a ‘gut feeling.’”

5.You feel insecure.

The goal of manipulation is to maintain control over you, and making you feel bad about yourself can be one way manipulators exert their power over you and keep you complacent. “They use your weakness against you,” Balestrieri explains. “When you are vulnerable, they weaponize your fears and insecurities to feel superior.”

6.They want you to depend on them and only them.

If you have no one else to turn to, it’s easier for the manipulator to control you. That’s why attempts at isolation or extreme codependence can be a sign of manipulation. “They attempt to isolate you (physically, socially, and financially) and try to engender dependence on them,” Balestrieri explains. “Limiting your resources and outside influences gives them control.”

7.They keep comparing you to others.

Comparing you to others can be a form of manipulation, according to Balestrieri. "Manipulative people thrive on the idea that people will compete for them,” she explains. “Constant comparison to others can be a form of manipulation, as it is designed to evoke feelings of inadequacy and competition.”

8.They’ve managed to get your friends and family “on their side.”

Balestrieri cautions that it’s not just the bad traits we need to keep an eye out for. “Watch for ingratiating behaviors or other attempts to be seen in a favorable light, as this is often a deliberate attempt to drive more isolation between the victim and their support system by creating the illusion of doubt.” She offers an example: “The first person to write ‘Happy birthday!’ on your grandmother’s social media page can’t be a manipulative or abusive person, right? Wrong! Impression management is a daily endeavor for the manipulator, who works hard to make others like them as a shield.”

She says manipulators may reach out to loved ones or close friends without telling their partner. If it were a positive gesture, it would end in more fun outings or a wider social circle for both partners in the couple. Instead, it’s manipulation when those side conversations put up a smoke screen, increase in-fighting, or worsen isolation. In such cases, the victim’s family and friends may be unwitting pawns in a psychological game the manipulator is trying to win.

Manipulation in relationships.

While manipulation tactics are similar in every setting, there is no one-size-fits all approach to what it might look like in a romantic relationship. Sometimes it comes on quickly as control and intimidation, but other times partners notice an asymmetrical combo of lies, guilt trips, omissions, denials, rationalizations, or passive aggression strung together over time. There’s certainly a broad spectrum of experiences.

Selective manipulation can center on one recurring issue, and it can be annoying but innocuous. For example: one partner conveniently dodges the housework, or they always work late on the nights your parents come over. These issues can be addressed by communication and boundary setting, but what you really want to look out for is the toxic manipulation that can lead to abuse. If a romantic partner demands secrecy, has unpredictable mood swings, and downplays others’ distress, these manipulative behaviors may lead to abuse.

Tactics manipulators use.

Gaslighting, i.e. making you doubt your reality

Constantly changing the goalposts, such that the stated goals or rules of engagement are always shifting

Demanding intense loyalty or secrecy

Forcing you to withhold major news from people you love

Pressure to never share the reality of hardships outside of the relationship

Inconsistent streams of communication, including ghosting, lies by omission, and selective memory

Refusing to compromise

Always speaking in absolutes, never allowing for a middle ground

Lack of empathy

Dehumanising words or behaviours

Downplaying others’ distress

Crafting situations to always only benefit one side (theirs)

Selfishness and lots of “I” statements

Mood swings, i.e. very high emotional highs and depressive lows

Love bombing, i.e. being overly charming and giving excessive positive attention, including giving lavish gifts and public displays of praise

How to deal with a manipulator.

Establish boundaries.

Define the limits of what are acceptable behaviours toward you and declare the kinds of treatment you will not tolerate.“Creating a firm boundary plan is essential in any relationship, but especially one in which the other person pushes your boundaries regularly,” says Balestrieri. “Be sure to only set boundaries you are willing to sustain. Otherwise you are simply teaching an abusive person that all they need to do is push harder to get their way.”

Be willing to walk away.

If your partner is willing to respect your boundaries and meet you from a place of mutual respect and compromise, the relationship can potentially move forward, so long as you both avoid repeating toxic behaviours that will trigger old patterns. But McCoy warns: “If there is an unwillingness on your partner's behalf, then you may begin to start reimagining your life outside of the relationship.”

You should leave any situation that causes you danger or harm.

Look for recurring patterns in your relationships.

Is manipulation a common theme in your relationships? If so, McCoy recommends doing some reflection to figure out what’s going on.

“Explore past relationships and even revisit childhood and adolescent relationships,” McCoy suggests. “Were there behaviors, including manipulation, that might have seemed normal or prosocial growing up but looking back you now realize that behavior was anything but normal?”

If patterns of victimisation are identified, it is important to invest in your own mental health and self-care so that you’ll be resilient and resolute in addressing permissive behaviours in the manipulative relationship. In such a situation, it is worthwhile to seek a licensed professional for individual counselling.

Work with a professional.

Seeking help can come in the form of a licensed and trained clinical social worker, therapist, psychologist, psychotherapist, and/or psychiatrist. Don’t allow shame or fear to keep you away from the skilled professional who can guide you to resolution.

Stay true to your gut.

“When someone you care about mistreats you, it doesn’t make sense and can feel extremely confusing,” Balestrieri says. “Many people are socialized to be kind in the face of conflict, and as such, they avoid conflict or indirectly try to get their needs met.”

Stay true to your gut. Decide which course of action is best for your physical, emotional, and psychological health, whether that means advocating yourself in the relationship or walking away. Know that love and mind games do not go well together. Go boldly toward happiness.

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Psychiatryonline - Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Diagnostic and Clinical Challenges

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

 1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognised as superior without commensurate achievements).

 2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

 3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).

 4. Requires excessive admiration.

 5. Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., the unreasonable expectation of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations).

 6. Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends).

 7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognise or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

 8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.

 9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours and attitudes.

A. Moderate or greater impairment in personality functioning, manifested by characteristic difficulties in two or more of the following four areas:

 1. Identity: Excessive reference to others for self-definition and self-esteem regulation; exaggerated self-appraisal inflated or deflated, or vacillating between extremes; emotional regulation mirrors fluctuations in self-esteem.

 2. Self-direction: Goal setting based on gaining approval from others; personal standards unreasonably high in order to see oneself as exceptional, or too low based on a sense of entitlement; often unaware of own motivations.

 3. Empathy: Impaired ability to recognise or identify with the feelings and needs of others; excessively attuned to reactions of others, but only if perceived as relevant to self; over- or underestimate of own effect on others.

 4. Intimacy: Relationships are largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation; mutuality is constrained by little genuine interest in others’ experiences and the predominance of a need for personal gain.

B. Both of the following pathological personality traits:

 1. Grandiosity (an aspect of Antagonism): Feelings of entitlement, either overt or covert; self-centeredness; firmly holding to the belief that one is better than others; condescension toward others.

 2. Attention seeking (an aspect of Antagonism): Excessive attempts to attract and be the focus of the attention of others; admiration seeking.

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Sign off:

The exhaustive list has a lot of similar actions, crossover behaviours and statements. What is important is knowing what is going on internally with a manipulative, emotionally abusive person, going beyond face value, and seeing how they process others and the reality they try to force with various agendas at play. Know the agendas, know the schoolyard plays and deceitful tactics that balanced mature, emotionally intelligent people chose not to do. Many of these actions and behaviours are off-limits to people who value people authentically. A deceptive person will harm what they don’t understand or can’t control.

That is the takeaway: they want what you have; they are not sharing something good; they are using something from someone else rather than doing the work that never happened in the development stages. Being accountable and understanding that emotionally abusive agendas are only expressing what is going on inside them. Sounds pretty dark. And the best solution is to let them do that somewhere else, education allows people to see something coming rather than tolerating something that should happen. Detachment from reality can mean a manipulative person only knows how to manipulate rather than connect. 8 billion on the planet, find a better space to live in, no need to be caught up in someone’s facade, agenda and delusional detachment from accountability.

Triangulation is a clear sign that what will be exposed is harmful to the victim and the abuser, the difference is one is a genuine victim, and the other pretends to be; they are even copying others in times when they should be doing something else. Kinda sick when you review the need to be two things at once to keep hiding.

Who wants to hide in life? If there is a need to do that, than something else; then never do something in the first place to need to hide it later.

Talking about adults or talking about someone hiding in an adult’s body hiding behind others… maybe that is why triangulation harms, Jordan Peterson mentions the most dangerous person on the planet is a three-year-old. Adults should not behave like three-year-old. The education spots it straight away, I think that is every person’s advantage over a deceptive person, they can go places where a deceptive person can;t even imagine, so the control what they don’t understand and try to bring you bad to where they are, in front of the dolls house.

Triangulation comes from a harmful person; that harmful person hasn’t gained an understanding of the word and others and may never do. Maybe the child's mind has been present for too long and not the child linked in all balanced people who feel the child, teenager and adult present while feeling life offers opportunity, growth and success in many areas especially including close connecting relations.

Great relationships have no purpose; they are just what people have, a shared genuine experience with what little time we have. Connection with consideration, unspoken boundaries, that word connection appears again. Those who don’t understand, like they don’t understand the purpose of empathy and abuse it means at the core, what is their purpose? What do they want from someone and what right do they have to think control in a relation and control our of realition should ever be a subject. It’s back to the suggestion of seeing a child playing with dolls and a doll’s house, and the child's ego looks down on the dolls.

A child may love their toys and dolls; it’s not the same as what adults know, and adults should know not every adult looking person behaves like an adult in or out of a relationship. Looks are deceiving sometimes, but not for long; we have been around for thousands of years, and there is enough documentation of those with a hidden second narrative.

A lack of identity is linked to an emotionally abused person who is desperate to be something at the expense of others. From a happily married position for many years, a family of how many… what are my personal thoughts on the matter of manipulation, triangulation, and projection is a person who chooses to behave that way can’t be present under the skin they wear. It must be something else. A snake, hyena only joking, a dog that chases their tail and bites it, or is it just a person who doesn’t have a clue about human behaviour but assumes they do in their toxic facade and trauma bond who needs dolls to play with?

The journey into research of what humans do and how you can catch them out if need be. By far one of the biggest red flags I have come across is triangulation because it is linked to so many other toxic elements on a timeline of a deceptive person’s assumed life. If one can’t control another, they try to add people to do the same, it doesn’t say much about a certain level of emotional intelligence surrounding matters linked to controlling to hide coercive control or third-party abuse to cover up abuse. Personality disorders that use such behaviours should be left alone so they drown in the there own shame fetched from guilt and accountability. What is in store for them later? That is the question many think about.

Special thanks to everyone who took the time to create essays of insight, applied time studying behaviour to great depths, took data, converted it into insight and offered something to the broad population about what can happen if a deceptive person assumes what others will go along with it. The loser has already lost by doing something that is off-limits to many. The lack of guidance is seen, heard, felt and understood. Step back, move in a different direction, avoid the hole. I say data to catch the reader, it is experience, observation and knowing something different. Knowing the who, what, where, why and how that some just don’t give a fu**k about, according to the feedback of those who feel and know something different. Some may never get something to know something. I have mentioned to someone who asked for advice, “Never marry another child.” That is what they are hiding in the second narrative; they never left the schoolyard, as the world is too big for them.